Feeling Lonely or Alone

Image courtesy of jesadaphorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was all happy and glee after i got married and settled with my hubby separately and away from my mum’s home that always bustled with the energy of my niece and nephew, And where work began before morning and i could never exactly figure out when will i end up in bed maybe past midnight or even more.

So suddenly i was all the more happy thinking now there’s no work and i can sleep, eat and freak at my own will but then came the loneliness, i could feel it even more because i have never been accustomed to living alone , i was always surrounded by people since school, college, work , home and i never felt like living without people was so difficult.

Because when i was living with them, all my life i felt like breaking away from them and taking sanyas and spending few years of my life alone before i get married and maybe not. I thought this many a times in my life because living in a family is not only the place where your parents, siblings and juniors influence you but also your immediate neighbors, relatives and even colleagues interfere a lot with your daily work and bread.

And so i waited and waited for my marriage to happen, the day ill be free to go on a living spree !

At first it looked nice and fresh since the honeymoon period was going on and all you think about is love and making love to my hubby. Then as the days go by i could feel an urge to go out and find work since i had left my job after marriage and moved to another city with him.

I kept exploring all possible options since working in a new place isn’t easy and there were language and cultural barriers, so i gave up looking for job and instead focused on myself thinking after all i had worked so much i must relax and enjoy doing nothing.

Days became months and months became a year, and this feeling of being alone even when we are both present hasn’t changed a bit, i wonder how do the other couples manage to live alone.I often convey my hubby about the random thoughts that cross my minds to alleviate these feelings of loneliness in me, like we must get his parents here to live with us, or that i will have at least 4 kids so that my home is always filled with noise and i keep watching little people crawling around .

He looks so much amused hearing all this but never denies me for doing anything even bringing my stupidest thoughts to reality and conforming them that they will be done.

All this and more hasn’t helped me a lot, this inner craving for people around has made me cry a lot and feel sad every time my parents, brother’s family and in laws visit me and come here to live with us for few days.

Their short duration visit’s make me even more vulnerable, i feel depressed and just cannot live alone and it get’s worse when my hubby has a tour which is for 2 or 5 days, i panic out and buy tickets immediately for home since i just cannot live by myself.

I don’t know why it happens but this need for attachment makes me weak and vulnerable, I am aware of my abilities and think am too strong to live alone and even handle everything in life ever since childhood since i have been brought up like that only, but what has happened now, something has changed in me and i cannot figure out what it is.

There’s nothing wrong externally, but everything that is wrong is internal, i have realized that soon after am left alone, when hubby goes to office or some tour my mind jumps around over the thoughts wagon and it turns on the sad mode where i think that now am alone, what next, what next, it goes around exploring bringing files and folders from past, when i was home around with everyone and how many times in my present home i felt elated to see my little nephew crawling around and how we all slept on the floor together over the mattresses in one room chatting all night.

It doesn’t stop anywhere it goes on and on, oscillating from one memory to another, all related to my being surrounded by people and constantly poking my conscious about the happiness factor that only happens when am with those people.

Now this has to stop, i cannot stop my thoughts though i can control them to some limits where i can consciously and deliberately attempt not to think about that at all and focus on the present moment like i now practice looking at the trees from my balcony ,read a book, focus on some TV serials, prioritize my thoughts and randomly select the ones that suits my present moment and upon the availability of the factors that will contribute and enhance them .

In totality the onus of changing thoughts is upon us, I am now aware that if you let these thoughts acquire you even starting from a single one, it will start a chain reaction and then you will be completely submerged into the sea of thoughts where it will become more difficult and harder to get out dry and alive. The thing is not to let even the slightest single thought affect or get onto you.

This way a lot of everyday problems can be handled, the feeling of loneliness or being alone is just one of them . Every problem is internally located somewhere in our mind, we have to deliberately find and fix the thoughts first its like debugging, to find and delete all the bad files first that corrupt the hardware that is our mind.

 

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Love For He’s Her

तुम जी सकोगे कैसे, किसी को दुःख देकर ,

 

की तुम जी सकोगे कैसे, किसी को दुःख देकर

और मन में यह राज़ कैसे जीयोगे साथ लेकर

 

की ज़िन्दगी युही नहीं, बीत जाती है बिताने भर से,

अफ़साने छुप नहीं जाते, ज़माने से नज़रे चुरालेने में

 

अब तो गैरो की बाँहों में भी ले लेते होगे तुम पनहा

जला लेते होगे शाम ऐ महफ़िल में, अपनी कोई नयी शमा

 

अफ़सोस कुछ भी नहीं तेरे जीने के ढंग से मुझे

पर जलन है की, दर्द लेके भी, क्यूँ याद है तू मुझे

 

ज़िन्दगी में बस और कुछ नहीं चाहत तुझको लेकर

बस परवाह है उस शमा की जो होगी तेरी सेज पर

 

फिकर है उस ओज की जो बुझती होगी हर लम्हा

दुःख देकर जीए तू, क्यूँ होता नहीं खुद फ़ना

 

Let Doomsday : End Inhumanity

People around the world will go mad, osho had one quoted, and its seems like all he said was very true .

People today live a very unreal life , a world of their own imagination where they want to fulfill their desires and needs as soon as they originate in them. No longer repression of desires is being followed as we live in an open world with open feelings followed by social media, technology and so much to display through PDE ( public display of emotions or affection ‘PDA’). But still there is a good lot of people living in closets, and life full of repressions and regressions that they carry on all their lives and have no means for catharsis.

With all the bursting and growing technological advancement and rapidity of life with all its exuberance and extravagance that has been brought by progress, I still crave for a world that had never moved so fast and changes that happened for good would never have happened so that the bad would have never come along  with it.

We exist in a world where we have created milestones of progress and advancement  in so many areas but have also digressed away from our roots. Had there been no weapons, no technology, no lust for materialism , i can still imagine, the world would have been far much better, as i support my view through this that having all this makes us suffer which is what is happening.

And its happening and people are actually becoming mad, doing monstrous acts, and blindly collecting things they desire but do not require. In light of so many criminal activities the world over, be it in Syrian attacks, Connecticut massacre and the recent Delhi gang rape case, there is no ending to the brutality and violence that is happening in every form and in almost every country.

The crime largely stems from sex and aggression, and thus it transforms into crimes that accompany , hatred, assault,  massacre, rapes physical and mental torture, abuse and other big war crimes. No longer we can acknowledged the ability of peaceful talks taking place to transform the criminal mindsets.  Its a thing of past today, no longer there is fear among the people who toy these criminal thoughts and covert them into their play.

The need is to impose strict control in form of tight laws, that are least flexible and observance these laws, that let fear set in the hearts of every individual who would have no chance other than to run his mind a million times before he desires to commit such acts of violence and abuse upon the innocent victims be it children, women and men . The only way to get some peace at least into some corners of the world is through diligent practice of brutal punishment so that committing crime becomes as fatal as driving a break less vehicle .

Quite similarly the Arabic Nation have much powerful punishment for different criminal acts, like capital punishment for rape and murder as compared to other countries where it follows fine or imprisonment for a fixed period of time. such punishments never take the evil out of the criminals rather it strengthens their urge to avenge themselves on being let out, nor do they transform for any good , it happens in least cases. the best way to punishment is to see the gravity of crime that leads to physical and mental damage upon the victim in any form and the investigations and punishment should be speedily done so that it does not increase the pain and agony of the victims who have suffered already.

The heartfelt need is not just talk , report, support, debate, discuss or protest rather something concrete in form of laws and actions. moreover the people all round the world who feel such emotions trouble them and it may give rise to criminal actions should open up and talk about it to psychologists or they can  follow spiritual Gurus or practice meditation themselves. One must know that Hoarding of bad karma will trigger a chain of more bad karma and accumulates, where the responsible person alone has to bear the consequences time and again and if its not completed in one birth , he /she has to take several births to face the consequences of the karmic actions, as they cannot be compensated with the good karma .

Follow the righteous path of goodness and Justice always and always be hopeful and positive about life, You an do it all if you are still living and seeing all happening . its time to change the time is now, and as you come to know of it start practicing doing good karma .

Love beyond ONE :Taboo !

Krishna had 16,108 wives.

I hope that am not caught or tried because of the topic am going to write about now.  As it may sound extreme deviation from the norms that our society has been following since ages. Though i love to talk all sweet and nice  as its easily approved and acceptable to everyone.

It is all because we actually see a reflection in others and that is like a mirror in which we see ourselves, the things we want to deliberately see comforting our own scheme of thoughts and perception we have about us and others and what we are , reflects in the others we see because we want to see that . Its about the thoughts, our understanding the way we think about others tantamount to what we are precisely, what kind of human being we are in real.

Because we are made up of our own beliefs  moral, traditions, norms, values, hopes and desires we want to see in the world that comforts all these , and the things that are beyond our understanding and do not fall anywhere in line with the above is bound to be rejected or abhorred.

Why is it so difficult to understand and accept certain things beyond our understanding is difficult to know exactly , it may be due to conditioning that we are not keen to learn anymore anything that is new and breaks our routine thoughts.  we do not wish to go beyond  we feel comfortably in our zone , approved and accepted the way society wants exactly.

But we fail as this society stops us from attaining the new, exploring other avenues, innovating something new , going for  the truth . It wants us to cling to it and we wish to do the same out of security and belonging.

And those who break free of the said norms , are despised and never thought or taught about, for generations unless there are some really great minds who work hard to understand them and discover their intelligence and extra-ordinariness. They are not captive to the society nor their stereotypical notions.

Now having said all that, i wish to ponder over, this feeling called Love which is beautiful and a great thing to do in life.

What is love actually, it is a feeling where a man and woman fall for each other and keep on insisting and practicing this confinement to each other where, confinement equals commitment that too forever, which keeps it functioning, well this is love today actually and no doubt it will run for many eons, and i hold nothing against this.I believe that love can happen all the more , many times and again its not even sex as we may criticize a man or woman for loving more that one person , and label him/her with different names.

Love is the most difficult task indeed and holding it to one is even more difficult because it changes from love to possessiveness and goes beyond that  where we keep looking to confine that one person who should be meant for us all our lives, that becomes a negative side of love which we have since long time because it restricts, upholds and creates dangerous feelings within us where we time and again wish to break free, and look for other , because we have a choice to do so having options available, that makes the situation all the more bad.

Love cannot be confined rather it can be spread and left free to blossom to as many as possible. It is no more difficult thing to do, love is best understood if it holds no feelings like possession and monopoly over a single person. It has enough potential to accommodate as many as one can love without any difficulty like a mother never differentiate s or bias her love for her children, similarly a man or a woman can go beyond traditional existing love and can hold pure love feelings for others as well.

We have many examples in our history where polygamy and polyandry was practiced and love was encouraged and was considered pious as in today and such men and women were even prayed and were of high virtue and morals.For instance Draupadi who loved all her 5 husbands the pandav’s equally and she holds the dignity and respect since ages, but we find some elements of prostitution too when we recollect about her, being wife to 5 men and how she was able to equally love all of them and never made her love fall short or more for any of them. Even Krishna had so many wives and he was equally present for all of them and they could feel his love without bias .

Draupadi with Pandavas and their mother

Similarly in some societies / religions that have different situation than ours, polygamy or polyandry became necessary and moral due to war and conflicts where there are less men and more woman and even where male and female sex ratio are different woman are few and there are more men and for those men and women who are divorced, separated, widows or left out, in such circumstances it becomes necessary and if had not been like that, then many would have been forced to live a loveless life who then may resort to  prostitution or victimizing others for their needs, which again stands highly immoral as per society.

But i think,even the prostitutes hold a good place in my thoughts, as those men and woman save , defend and protect us from the evils that could happen to kids, women, men , old and young. They hold more dignity and respect, in my view, they are like the soldiers who fight everyday to protect us.

Even today it exists where i saw a discovery channel documentary showing a woman living with two men under the same roof and all the three of them enjoyed a life full of love and respect , the men equally loved the woman and the woman loved them both. i was amazed to see the comfort level, the love they had for each other, and was laughing when my mom said “this is heights of immorality, and it happens in times today only not earlier “.

Anyhow i was glad to see that and thought that how heavenly it could be to get love from as many people as you can in this one life, its not sex again , but a pure love that can or cannot include sex, but it just makes you feel good and the same feeling for others who are in love completely  Its not supposed to be selfish rather a selfless and unconditional tribute to life of divinity and richness.

Krishna : Man for Every Yuga

Krishna and Radha with gopiyas.

 

I was reading this book by Osho, that my fiance mailed me to read, where he talks about the significance teaching and philosophy given by Krishna.

So far i have read only 8 pages and am thankful to him for the great book.

Osho is a magnanimous being , he cannot be touched , talked or thought about casually just like Buddha, Krishna and Shiva for his knowledge and enlightened ness.  He speaks about Krishna is a man meant to be understood and his philosophies and lessons should be understood and applied by all. But its unfortunate on our part that we can never understand and realize that Krishna is man for all seasons and yuga’s , and we till today haven not been able to understand the true meaning and essence of his teaching in the Geeta and Bhagwad.

Osho has been true in saying that we only differentiate and adapt to him at our own level where Krishna in Bhagwad is dancing and singing whereas Krishna in Geeta is talking about Dharma, Karma and significance of war. If we believe in good ness and gaiety in life we will bound to agree with the Krishna in Bhagwad and understand him at our own level again overlooking his totality where he dances and sing s with women and conveys that Body and soul is one and sex can only lead to celibacy not the suppression of any feelings of the soul or body.

on the other hand In geeta he aptly conveys how the war of Mahabharata , and restoration of dharma is the karma and must be followed as it is. He talks about violence and non violence as two sides of the same coin and that thinking about violence is when someone thinks he can kill its materialistic, and the one who thinks he will practice non violence and would not kill anyone is also a materialist . And one thing is common among the violence and non violence believers that “someone can be killed” therefore Krishna rejects both and accepts the immortality of the soul where life and death is materialistic and nothing lives or dies.

This thought above is very spiritual but an eye opener to believe in Krishna and the lesson he wishes to give  us , though we are least ready to understand or accept, forget adopting to it. Spirituality accepts wholeness of life it accepts everything be it love, sex, war , devotion or any other thing.

It is relevant because this age is age of lies, suppression, competition, repression, struggle and suffering and a never ending fight , which is why today the study of Krishna’s teachings become more important as he shows us the way to play our part in this life leela (play )where its only a role we must understand and that we must overcome and stand above this role to conquer these inimical forces that influence us.

The best part osho explains about Krishna is the topic that we are deprived, devoid, suppressed, and asked to repress all out lives which is sex. He has rightly explored the theme and made it understandable for us to know that we must be familiar and make friends with sex not look at it as our enemy, the logic behind this is that we cannot understand our enemies but we can understand our friends very well and have scope to change them, this is true and can be explored further because many of us suppress our urges and carnal instincts, the more we put them back the more we think about them. the more we think the more we are distracted , and again its a wide spread theme to think of it a sin and thus thought in the same way since we were adolescents .

Krishna is the only one who has believed and accepted life in its totality , he never became a saint, lived in celibacy , he was god in true sense , a complete whole, a complete taker of life as it is. he never turned away from the miseries or suffering wars or violence good or evil , he took it as it was and gave the most unimaginable ways to conquer over them and live through them .

And as we are..

we are born to be attracted by the things which are meant not to be disclosed , the opposite always attracts, but we fear so much about the other side that we always wish to cling to all the good things and do away with the bad , dark, evil, pain, etc. But we fail to realize that even this is part of our existence and we need to look into it deeply, and when we come across or face them we feel dilemma, pain, conflict and misery because we are not ready to give up on the pleasantness and goodness of life.

This is what Krishna wants us to do, to believe in whole life to accept the opposites and lead a true life not in fragments or portions where we accept one thing and deny the other rather we must learn to accept the other part as well.

Krishna has a remarkable brilliance and great relevance for every generation of any yuga. we must explore him greatly through his teachings and decipher the inner meaning rather than the outer words only through Bhaghwad or the geeta.

Beyond Gender : Whole is more than sum of its Parts

 

Single Entity GAURISHANKAR.

Since Childhood I’ve heard these words but could never unravel the facts or forces that goes around them. I’ve been quite naive in understanding the true meaning or the essentials about, what embodies the concept of feminism or masculinity or gender as a whole in true sense.

Though i frequently used to use such words in my essays and writings ,depicting and relating  to empowerment of the womenfolk at one hand and how brave and courageous are men in history.

But I was never able to gauge the real essence of these words, even after having almost vicarious experiences when the very significance of my being a women was in question and how i was being afflicted by the masculine beings, in all this i never realized how should i explore or should i explore the feminist in me ?, to get myself upright against the men.

The search began in the troubled waters, and still remained unidentified for some time,in the mean time i was actually away from all the problems and deplorable conditions, and that too without any feminism that came to rescue me.

I actually didn’t needed any gender role to help me nor any special femininity, i discovered that being a gender is being average but being a human is being the best to solve life and its issues in an objective and Superior way.

Being in control of one’s gender or sex controls the problem solving skills and limits our conscience for taking decisions in an unbiased manner is what i discovered eventually.

Its been only when i was able to think conscientiously about the other gender in specific and its nothing i keep against my own but its a way to differentiate between what is wrong and what is right, not who is wrong or who is right . it is completely off the base for any gender .

I’ve come across many textbooks during school time that our societal setup is governed by patriarchal or matriarchal structure in different, different communities or castes, influenced and maligned by favoritism and subjectivity, with regard to issues and concerns, dealing with gender roles and responsibilities. In the same way the Family, Relationships be it boyfriend and girlfriend, men and women, among friends, sisters and brothers, others, have this prominence of Domination by any of the gender controlling and occupying the major portions of decisions and role- responsibilities.

Here such setups and gender variance have influenced the peace and harmony of many relationships and almost created a divide among the two, due to inadvertent behavior .

The focus which i imply for this is to think yourself as  “NON GENDER”, i know this may sound weird and obnoxious but here may be, the key to bridge every difference and resolve issues when it comes to relationships and love.

 But we can try to achieve and attain good positive outcomes if we connect with the human side of our being and not the gender.what happens here i shall explain..

” when you have a fight say with your spouse , you may think about the verbal or non verbal behavior that affected you , and how one could demean your status , you being a man or women , got hit on your ego, your thoughts, your decisions, your ideas, your actions, here everything relates to your gender “first”- you may cry being a women, or man, or even burst out in anger being a man, or a women, the two cordially relates to the first gender being talked about , the second one if displayed such behavior would in normal settings be disapproved of ” .

So the thin line here is to Accept the behavior without the gender in concern, moreover its for both to consider the actions and deeds of others and self in a non gender specific way , and find more reasonable and logical occurrences for issues.

I cannot refrain myself from relating an Ideal relationship of Lord Shiva and Devi Parvati who are above any gender and complete forms of each other..

Shiva is called the Ardhnarishwar, that is half man 

and Devi parvati as Ardhangini .half women.

They are Incomplete without each other, their form is complete only when the two meet and join to form into one supreme part as  Gauri Shankar.

Every relationship should aim for such togetherness idealizing Shiv and Parvati who are above any gender norms and form

to sum up i can recall another very great statement that has affected me for long…                     that “the whole is more than the sum of its parts”. as stated by gestalts applies aptly here.