Keep away from this shit
Refrain from making trips
To places unknown
Filled with voices ungrown
Keep away keep away
You know you’re their prey
Turning you insane
Leaving you in disdain
You’re not to be this way
Just leave the place you stay
Stop, See and Unfollow
Make space, let it be hollow
Image courtesy of jesadaphorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I was all happy and glee after i got married and settled with my hubby separately and away from my mum’s home that always bustled with the energy of my niece and nephew, And where work began before morning and i could never exactly figure out when will i end up in bed maybe past midnight or even more.
So suddenly i was all the more happy thinking now there’s no work and i can sleep, eat and freak at my own will but then came the loneliness, i could feel it even more because i have never been accustomed to living alone , i was always surrounded by people since school, college, work , home and i never felt like living without people was so difficult.
Because when i was living with them, all my life i felt like breaking away from them and taking sanyas and spending few years of my life alone before i get married and maybe not. I thought this many a times in my life because living in a family is not only the place where your parents, siblings and juniors influence you but also your immediate neighbors, relatives and even colleagues interfere a lot with your daily work and bread.
And so i waited and waited for my marriage to happen, the day ill be free to go on a living spree !
At first it looked nice and fresh since the honeymoon period was going on and all you think about is love and making love to my hubby. Then as the days go by i could feel an urge to go out and find work since i had left my job after marriage and moved to another city with him.
I kept exploring all possible options since working in a new place isn’t easy and there were language and cultural barriers, so i gave up looking for job and instead focused on myself thinking after all i had worked so much i must relax and enjoy doing nothing.
Days became months and months became a year, and this feeling of being alone even when we are both present hasn’t changed a bit, i wonder how do the other couples manage to live alone.I often convey my hubby about the random thoughts that cross my minds to alleviate these feelings of loneliness in me, like we must get his parents here to live with us, or that i will have at least 4 kids so that my home is always filled with noise and i keep watching little people crawling around .
He looks so much amused hearing all this but never denies me for doing anything even bringing my stupidest thoughts to reality and conforming them that they will be done.
All this and more hasn’t helped me a lot, this inner craving for people around has made me cry a lot and feel sad every time my parents, brother’s family and in laws visit me and come here to live with us for few days.
Their short duration visit’s make me even more vulnerable, i feel depressed and just cannot live alone and it get’s worse when my hubby has a tour which is for 2 or 5 days, i panic out and buy tickets immediately for home since i just cannot live by myself.
I don’t know why it happens but this need for attachment makes me weak and vulnerable, I am aware of my abilities and think am too strong to live alone and even handle everything in life ever since childhood since i have been brought up like that only, but what has happened now, something has changed in me and i cannot figure out what it is.
There’s nothing wrong externally, but everything that is wrong is internal, i have realized that soon after am left alone, when hubby goes to office or some tour my mind jumps around over the thoughts wagon and it turns on the sad mode where i think that now am alone, what next, what next, it goes around exploring bringing files and folders from past, when i was home around with everyone and how many times in my present home i felt elated to see my little nephew crawling around and how we all slept on the floor together over the mattresses in one room chatting all night.
It doesn’t stop anywhere it goes on and on, oscillating from one memory to another, all related to my being surrounded by people and constantly poking my conscious about the happiness factor that only happens when am with those people.
Now this has to stop, i cannot stop my thoughts though i can control them to some limits where i can consciously and deliberately attempt not to think about that at all and focus on the present moment like i now practice looking at the trees from my balcony ,read a book, focus on some TV serials, prioritize my thoughts and randomly select the ones that suits my present moment and upon the availability of the factors that will contribute and enhance them .
In totality the onus of changing thoughts is upon us, I am now aware that if you let these thoughts acquire you even starting from a single one, it will start a chain reaction and then you will be completely submerged into the sea of thoughts where it will become more difficult and harder to get out dry and alive. The thing is not to let even the slightest single thought affect or get onto you.
This way a lot of everyday problems can be handled, the feeling of loneliness or being alone is just one of them . Every problem is internally located somewhere in our mind, we have to deliberately find and fix the thoughts first its like debugging, to find and delete all the bad files first that corrupt the hardware that is our mind.
Oh Gosh am so tired of being asked this question so many times, its been only 6 month or so since i got married and there isn’t any one being who hasn’t asked me the million dollar question, Good News kab suna rahi hai, or good news kab degi ? ( when will you tell us about the good news or when are you going to give good news ) .
Am literally sick of the questions that make me feel that am guilty of not planning a baby or that we were using protection or just not wanting to have it right now, which is seriously not the case.
Why do people have to ask such things i can expect it from my relatives or family but why should my friends ask this, this totally unexpected from them .
Am always in favor of responding to people in a very polite and genuine way that we are ready to have a baby whenever it would happen by god’s will, when it has to happen, its not in my hands actually they must know.
Then why is everybody after me, i can really not understand, its like am the one who is responsible for not giving them the good news because they want to hear it .
More over if this doesn’t suffice, they ask me all sorts of questions that you must plan , have ,and consult gynecologist and so on , yes yes we will do that only if we see that, we have crossed our time or that its been 2 years of our marriage and still we haven’t have a baby , our marriage just got into 7th month and people are drooling over me like flies and it started in 2nd month only !
I don’t know why is everyone so worried even my good old “Educated” , “Modern” friends ask me this every time they call , and its making me become more patient, dealing with their queries, i keep giving them all sorts of answers thinking that one day they might stop asking , but no they are still going on pretty smooth.
I am just married and enjoying every bit of this moment and am even ready to get pregnant and be a mother, and am all prepared and geared up for whatever has to come to my life , But Let It Come , Let it Happen All by itself , why force it or pressurize it to happen.
This is the problem with our society even before you are born , problems exist in form of whether you arrive late or early and then when you arrive, problems related to gender, month, time and date in which you were born, after that if you are a boy what will you become engineer , doctor etc,
And god forbid if you are born a girl , your life, education, society, marriage, dowry, rape , everything related to your existence becomes the bone of contention for whole life .
Anyhow am not going away from my topic. I cannot understand why there’s so much fuss about the “good news”, its like people who ask me this, their life depends on my having a baby as if some thing good will only occur to them if i have a baby, and all this time they are expecting on my behalf !!!
When will they understand and let me be with my present, and let god decide everything rather than playing little God’s themselves. A baby is blessing of god who brings happiness that’s there to stay forever and that only happens when your time has come and when god decides for it to happen.
I don’t understand why they do
but the way they do is terrible too
i move a word and simple it goes
haha response is their signature pose
is it for me or just everyone
that haha song they make me learn
am i too reserved or am i not stern
am i uneducated or that i don’t earn
all this and that, my friends don’t do
relatives of course, i wish could undo
their burlesque behavior and mockery,
could have learnt to react more properly
be it profane or just for some fun
murder once done can never be undone.
ThoughtSummary 
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