I was all happy and glee after i got married and settled with my hubby separately and away from my mum’s home that always bustled with the energy of my niece and nephew, And where work began before morning and i could never exactly figure out when will i end up in bed maybe past midnight or even more.
So suddenly i was all the more happy thinking now there’s no work and i can sleep, eat and freak at my own will but then came the loneliness, i could feel it even more because i have never been accustomed to living alone , i was always surrounded by people since school, college, work , home and i never felt like living without people was so difficult.
Because when i was living with them, all my life i felt like breaking away from them and taking sanyas and spending few years of my life alone before i get married and maybe not. I thought this many a times in my life because living in a family is not only the place where your parents, siblings and juniors influence you but also your immediate neighbors, relatives and even colleagues interfere a lot with your daily work and bread.
And so i waited and waited for my marriage to happen, the day ill be free to go on a living spree !
At first it looked nice and fresh since the honeymoon period was going on and all you think about is love and making love to my hubby. Then as the days go by i could feel an urge to go out and find work since i had left my job after marriage and moved to another city with him.
I kept exploring all possible options since working in a new place isn’t easy and there were language and cultural barriers, so i gave up looking for job and instead focused on myself thinking after all i had worked so much i must relax and enjoy doing nothing.
Days became months and months became a year, and this feeling of being alone even when we are both present hasn’t changed a bit, i wonder how do the other couples manage to live alone.I often convey my hubby about the random thoughts that cross my minds to alleviate these feelings of loneliness in me, like we must get his parents here to live with us, or that i will have at least 4 kids so that my home is always filled with noise and i keep watching little people crawling around .
He looks so much amused hearing all this but never denies me for doing anything even bringing my stupidest thoughts to reality and conforming them that they will be done.
All this and more hasn’t helped me a lot, this inner craving for people around has made me cry a lot and feel sad every time my parents, brother’s family and in laws visit me and come here to live with us for few days.
Their short duration visit’s make me even more vulnerable, i feel depressed and just cannot live alone and it get’s worse when my hubby has a tour which is for 2 or 5 days, i panic out and buy tickets immediately for home since i just cannot live by myself.
I don’t know why it happens but this need for attachment makes me weak and vulnerable, I am aware of my abilities and think am too strong to live alone and even handle everything in life ever since childhood since i have been brought up like that only, but what has happened now, something has changed in me and i cannot figure out what it is.
There’s nothing wrong externally, but everything that is wrong is internal, i have realized that soon after am left alone, when hubby goes to office or some tour my mind jumps around over the thoughts wagon and it turns on the sad mode where i think that now am alone, what next, what next, it goes around exploring bringing files and folders from past, when i was home around with everyone and how many times in my present home i felt elated to see my little nephew crawling around and how we all slept on the floor together over the mattresses in one room chatting all night.
It doesn’t stop anywhere it goes on and on, oscillating from one memory to another, all related to my being surrounded by people and constantly poking my conscious about the happiness factor that only happens when am with those people.
Now this has to stop, i cannot stop my thoughts though i can control them to some limits where i can consciously and deliberately attempt not to think about that at all and focus on the present moment like i now practice looking at the trees from my balcony ,read a book, focus on some TV serials, prioritize my thoughts and randomly select the ones that suits my present moment and upon the availability of the factors that will contribute and enhance them .
In totality the onus of changing thoughts is upon us, I am now aware that if you let these thoughts acquire you even starting from a single one, it will start a chain reaction and then you will be completely submerged into the sea of thoughts where it will become more difficult and harder to get out dry and alive. The thing is not to let even the slightest single thought affect or get onto you.
This way a lot of everyday problems can be handled, the feeling of loneliness or being alone is just one of them . Every problem is internally located somewhere in our mind, we have to deliberately find and fix the thoughts first its like debugging, to find and delete all the bad files first that corrupt the hardware that is our mind.
Our Mind (psyche )is very naughty, it plays with us, it wanders , it goes from here to there, from home to office, from office to places and keeps wandering , jumping here, there and everywhere. It is never still, it was never meant to be still,it was always like that, going around and coming around like a swing , it has its high’s and low’s .
It is never stable it is always in motion and so we are left in motion, moving with the flow of the mind, that carries our body with it, wherever it takes we go along, unknowing what it has to offer but we still go because after all its our mind that tells us and that controls us. we cannot do anything nor we can question what it wants or why it wants something, a thing even it sees that passes by like a new phone , a new car, or a new dress, it screams in our mind that YOU MUST HAVE IT , Why Not Own it !
We think we want it, so we begin to desire it, and finally it is our mind that tells us, we require it, but actually we don’t, we never realize its irrelevance until we have it, after a long struggle of pain tension, longing and forgoing almost every small and big happiness, for this particular thing,because we were waiting to be happy only the day we have it, that we always thought could make us really happy.
And so we begin to neglect everything in pursuit of this material that we never wanted since the beginning, but our mind said something, about its need, so we went after it, and all these days, months and years we wasted in getting that thing. And now we are used to the art of getting after things, living only for the big moments, small things no longer or never actually made us happy, even attempts by people around us to make happy shall go in vain, which is why people no longer matter to us.
None of the relations make us happy, because we see in them our own reflection , as if they are also after something , something much greater than my own thing, as soon as we think this they become our competitors and thus they no longer remain close to us, they are our enemies , they are now part of the great competition.
Slowly and Slowly life becomes more void, because now the mind craves even more, once you hold the thing you always wanted since years you move onto next , the value of this thing becomes Zero from the time you seize it . just think about this, for a moment, it doesn’t even matter now, how long can you enjoy it after all.
Again your mind sees a thing and starts wandering no longer the thing you got makes you happy , you remain more sad and more anxious and more worrying about your next goals, your next agenda’s or next thing you want to own, that you think would be ultimate source of happiness.
It hardly happens because since the beginning you were not happy and the moment you saw that thing made you more unhappy and the pursuit , the journey made you even more unhappy inside, and now you are conditioned to remain unhappy for long, now nothing can be done to make you happy , even this thing you just bought after so many years of hard work fails to make you happy.
You were always anxious, wandering and roaming around here and there , your mind was never still. had it been so it would just have been like the observer who sees the most awesome st of things in life but is hardly affected by them, nothing changes inside him, not even a nerve or a blink of eye . He remains the same goes on doing what he is doing, and is least moved by what he sees around.
And the one who sees around but never gets involved with it, in his mind is the most happiest soul ever.
SHILPI CHAUHAN SINHA
Is this all really Necessary ?
To get a job, to get enrolled for some course, to save money to buy house , to achieve something in life, to make more money, to have a baby as soon as possible , to have big dreams like buying a yacht and a penthouse and doing something in life that is remarkable and something that would make people around me say WOW , and then seeing their expression would make me happy, happy as in real happy i guess.
Its clear, Is this all really necessary , i mean we only do certain things to feel happy and proud only when others are there to see them around who would cheer us, greet us , congratulate us, and work for us or just please us. Isn’t this true !
Imagine there is only you on…
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We Cannot Please Everyone !
First Understand this :
” yeh duniya tumhare baap ki nahin hai aur naahi tum is duniya ke thekedaar ho ”
( this world is not owned by your dad nor you’re the master of this world)
then why worry so much…?
I have wasted almost 1/3rd of my life in pleasing other’s actually by doing what other’s perceive is acceptable and appreciable. And to this day even after realizing that i cannot make everyone happy and if others have to REMAIN unhappy i really cannot be their clown forever trying to make them smile, for am not even getting PAID for that. then why the hell should i even try.
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In order to feel perfect Absence, one should measure the Distance first
I realize the power of missing someone, how does the absence of my hubby creates certain feelings, it never happened before where he had to go for 3 – 4 days office tour, and only now am able to feel and realize the depths of emotions where i long for him so much and never ever realized that he is absent everyday for 8 to 9 hours and comes back home only after office hours. Though he being there in office all day and very much near to me, i can still have this presence of him, thinking that he is just a few miles away and that’s all that puts to rest my clumsy feelings.
And but now i feel that absence doesn’t matter much what matters is the distance that separates the two of us, the feeling that am i be able to reach him or not, and that there are thousands of miles between us..and oh ! he is so far away, creates more emotions and more feelings inside me.
I am not able to comprehend the fact that am so unable to enjoy the happiness of being married and the new life that succeeds, there’s absolutely no problem , people around me are putting good efforts to let me in and give space enough to adjust and live thoroughly.
But I feel like a culprit unable to control my emotions , tears immediately crawl down my face and spread the sadness in me and around me , where my hubby continuously tries to make me calm down even though he is tired and affected by office work , he still loves me and cares for me very much.
I feel guilty for not being able to adapt and accept my present, for am clinging to much to my family at home in Delhi and the longing continuous to grow inside me with every passing day, its just the feeling of being so far away from them that makes me burst into tears, the thought that am no longer with them makes me feel lonely and depressed.
Having been with them for the past 26 years ive never been to hostel, tuitions or any other place away from them not even the relatives or friends night out’s etc . so it makes things more difficult, located into such a different state not being able to meet or see them often makes me choke inside. Had I been located there, then at least i could have had some satisfaction that I can go or they can come to see me and life could have been all pleasant.
But what’s at hand needs to be tackled and imagination is no longer a cure for me now , as I go on thinking like there’s a park near our society I imagine my niece playing on its swings , then I imagine my mother sleeping beside me on my bed , it really makes things even more worse, the fact that am not accepting the reality is breaking me down and even not making things any good for my married life.
Am not interested in anything , I just go about the daily rituals , the daily life chores etc and not even talk or discuss anything with my hubby , it pains me and deeply saddens me when he leaves home for work in the morning , I feel guilty for he remains tensed to see me in such a state day in and day out, so my mental state is making my married life not any good.
Am unable to figure out what will I do to overcome all this mental sadness and longingness. All my wishes , desires, confidence, interests and tastes are becoming numb day after day. I don’t know where to look for help now .
Every genre of life holds some kind of productive roots that need to be harnessed in order to sustain for life and better livelihood to keep cycle of life consistent. For a human, its quite unimaginable to think about a life that is absent of materialism.The pursuit of this powerful yet significant source ( money) for life is ruthless and impinges upon the life so much that without it one can barely live the act of living.
The insatiable human life that never cease’s to desire materialism, hardly has any space left for spiritual conscious growth that could pose as a great escape for some who breath their last breath of soot in misfortune as their endless failures never ended.
For some failure is the end of experiments but for me failure is a beautiful concept that reminds me of my existence, am alive and in action and that I am making full use of every breath of mine. And i never fail to happen be it for countless failures or little spells of chance success. life is as much you and i know about it with past present and future attributed around two words success or failures but we fail to see beyond these two dictionary words.
It is unexpected of any human to detach them self from the life they have today, with so much of happening around them, since childhood school to their adulthood offices, life is full of events, emotions etc. whatever has happened in the past or whatever will happen in the future, we all try to personalize them and include those events of the past to the present moment and even attach the present shaping to suit it best for the future.
In the process we stop realizing the present which is all today the very moment we live in, we care so much about the failures the mistakes the events that happened that it begin to shape our future through our present moments of pondering over the past, thinking it shouldn’t happen again in the future we keep ruining and playing with the present.
The future has innumerable opportunities that the present may not know, the lack of awareness of the future is a blessing i believe as the graph of life is never a line, its rhythmic and this is a sign that we should have rebellious hope to do our work till the end whatever be the outcome let it remain, let it hold, but never stop the action.
Failures often leave us down and disappointed and even hopeless so much that we choose to quit action or some may even quit their lives, because again the matter is how you take the failures . There can be intermittent or consistent failures in life , if you ask me, i have consistent failures that i never personalize.
Because the day you begin to personalize with the failures its the day you cease to act anymore. Be it one or endless failures it should never let you stop, rather be rebellious having hope not for success or winning but hope that you shall continue despite these failures even if it happen time and again .
To hope in misery is to be rebel, to hope life in death is rebel, Hope is an endless rebellion towards life that even failure is natural and so is the hope that should never end. Hope is just not a factor or a word if you term it like that then the failure is just a word defined for a thing, idea, or event that went wrong not the way you planned.
I believe that these terms like, failure, mistakes, devastated depressed, death, divorce, pain, ruined etc are becoming more symbolic and full of imagery the moment you think of them whereas the positive words like being happy, love,hope, faith, never give up, belief etc are becoming more abstract because we can barely find any of the events describing them in our imagination when we are only going through the above negative terms that heavily sits and eat up our conscious.
which is why more and more people are becoming sad and full of disappointing because the ones they seek approval from or even look up for positivism are themselves full of negativity in and around them. we actually have lost our innate capacity to harness our own energy for being positive and its hard to do that mechanical work now of rebuilding.
The more practical answer to failures is then only the rebellious hope for this you need not change your mental setup of all positive and spirituality because i know its very hard to do it, even i cannot pull myslef from thinking negative so many times but the thing i always practice is this incessant hope i keep which becomes more and more rebellious with every failure that i encounter.
It has made me hard and courageous and so much that am least affected by life, am more able to enjoy small moments of happiness i dont long for big ones and i enjoy small things like eating the left piece of cake, or cooking some noodle, playing with my niece, or watching my Favorite songs. I no longer wait but i still move and act and i dont give up on action in life for there’s nothing to loose till the time you’re alive play with life.
The plight of a Genuine but Not powerful Employee ..
Now when you are out of your mother’s womb and away from your parents caresses and pamper, you must fend for yourself with available help that others have to offer in such times, and many times even alone. And when you are out to survive to earn your bread if not for yourself, you may do it for those who survive because of you.
So here begins the never ending road of survival full of struggles. I can barely accept a life minus troubles at any place home, neighborhood, society, roads, parking’s malls, whoa and even the place where you work for a reason, the place where freedom exists in the Constitution but you may not have the same freedom as an Employee and to this day am genuinely unaware of an Employee Rights be it Government or Private sector, whcih ones are finctional and whcih ones are deni.
To forecast the future in an organisation is somewhat vague, you jump with joy on getting a job but realize it, after some days that this place or work is not meant for you and if at all, it is meant then it can only be occasioned best in two situations where, “you may like the job profile,but not the working conditions, or, you may like the working conditions but not the job profile”.
It may be rare to find sync with both the aspects.
Here the most significant factor that perturbs me to write an account on behalf of my colleagues and friends, to share their helplessness and what defunct s them, as they slog , unwillingly and unattended to their own cause. Its not about “Adjustment” at all , everyone does so unless their comes a point where they either have to “Bend or Break”.
I believe there’s more than what meets the eye, employees feel devoid of rights many a times, for n number of reasons, and prominently it has been Office Politics, favoritism, non observance of employee past or present records, unhealthy competition, lack of empathy, lack of cohesiveness among team members , negative behavior on part of Bosses , managers and even Human resource persons who lack practical application of those theoretical facts they have read all this time.
The most important in all this is the role of the HR manager who have an exit interview with the person who separates form the organization should be thoroughly questioned in a empathetic manner moreover it can be conducted by the third party, it would be more transparent and unbiased. As they they can evaluate the pros and cons of the organization as well along with the employees reasons for quitting.And such reports should be escalated to the Bosses who conclude it in an unbiased way and over finding no fault of the employee should try retaining the employee in the organization by making improvements.
Moreover i should not forget to mention about the “Contracts” having ridiculous clauses in them, which should be considered by some change makers who may work for creating better employee conditions to do away with unjustifiable clauses that may harm an employees legitimate rights as per constitutional rights.
Here i cannot refrain myself from putting a similar situation, justifiably in view of above mentioned reasons, which happened some time back : when i was taken by shocked, not at all intimated, never applied for and not even a single ground being mentioned as to why or for what reason i were transferred and felt disheartened and disoriented, as i had to give up on my kids with whom i had shared a bond that was about to go on for many more years to come and believed that i have been with these kids, taught them, loved them and shared the world with them, i got transferred to some other school. Am not happy with the system that does not realize the value of this nurtured and hard earned relationship of kids, a teacher secures, the rapport she shares, is hard to contrive. One doesn’t even come to know of their spouse in so many years, but here i had touched and nurtured 80 kids since beginning.
In the same way i can relate this “officeisms” where my fiance was Overburdened and many a times taken away the responsibility he had in his previous job. the people who are up in the hierarchy at workplace hold power positions, and distinguish themselves in signatures that work for them. they actually work as per requirement, fitting the blocks in the board is what they care about, not to think beyond “Fitting” and “Requirement”.
Its a Pandora’s box, and none is keen to open this, the above situation is a fragment of the major portion of problems that surrounds the system and structure in offices,
The problem becomes more insignificant when people do not stand for injustice nor complain, because employment is a need, and this need becomes helplessness and people take advantage of such helplessness where they keep throwing the pandemonium for employees in offices.
I hope that the system in every organisation changes for good, where there are rules books are followed and the employee rights are mentioned, through government policies which help the private and public sector employees to eliminate their helplessness and can work for choice and will.