Tag Archives: memories

Feeling Lonely or Alone

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Image courtesy of jesadaphorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was all happy and glee after i got married and settled with my hubby separately and away from my mum’s home that always bustled with the energy of my niece and nephew, And where work began before morning and i could never exactly figure out when will i end up in bed maybe past midnight or even more.

So suddenly i was all the more happy thinking now there’s no work and i can sleep, eat and freak at my own will but then came the loneliness, i could feel it even more because i have never been accustomed to living alone , i was always surrounded by people since school, college, work , home and i never felt like living without people was so difficult.

Because when i was living with them, all my life i felt like breaking away from them and taking sanyas and spending few years of my life alone before i get married and maybe not. I thought this many a times in my life because living in a family is not only the place where your parents, siblings and juniors influence you but also your immediate neighbors, relatives and even colleagues interfere a lot with your daily work and bread.

And so i waited and waited for my marriage to happen, the day ill be free to go on a living spree !

At first it looked nice and fresh since the honeymoon period was going on and all you think about is love and making love to my hubby. Then as the days go by i could feel an urge to go out and find work since i had left my job after marriage and moved to another city with him.

I kept exploring all possible options since working in a new place isn’t easy and there were language and cultural barriers, so i gave up looking for job and instead focused on myself thinking after all i had worked so much i must relax and enjoy doing nothing.

Days became months and months became a year, and this feeling of being alone even when we are both present hasn’t changed a bit, i wonder how do the other couples manage to live alone.I often convey my hubby about the random thoughts that cross my minds to alleviate these feelings of loneliness in me, like we must get his parents here to live with us, or that i will have at least 4 kids so that my home is always filled with noise and i keep watching little people crawling around .

He looks so much amused hearing all this but never denies me for doing anything even bringing my stupidest thoughts to reality and conforming them that they will be done.

All this and more hasn’t helped me a lot, this inner craving for people around has made me cry a lot and feel sad every time my parents, brother’s family and in laws visit me and come here to live with us for few days.

Their short duration visit’s make me even more vulnerable, i feel depressed and just cannot live alone and it get’s worse when my hubby has a tour which is for 2 or 5 days, i panic out and buy tickets immediately for home since i just cannot live by myself.

I don’t know why it happens but this need for attachment makes me weak and vulnerable, I am aware of my abilities and think am too strong to live alone and even handle everything in life ever since childhood since i have been brought up like that only, but what has happened now, something has changed in me and i cannot figure out what it is.

There’s nothing wrong externally, but everything that is wrong is internal, i have realized that soon after am left alone, when hubby goes to office or some tour my mind jumps around over the thoughts wagon and it turns on the sad mode where i think that now am alone, what next, what next, it goes around exploring bringing files and folders from past, when i was home around with everyone and how many times in my present home i felt elated to see my little nephew crawling around and how we all slept on the floor together over the mattresses in one room chatting all night.

It doesn’t stop anywhere it goes on and on, oscillating from one memory to another, all related to my being surrounded by people and constantly poking my conscious about the happiness factor that only happens when am with those people.

Now this has to stop, i cannot stop my thoughts though i can control them to some limits where i can consciously and deliberately attempt not to think about that at all and focus on the present moment like i now practice looking at the trees from my balcony ,read a book, focus on some TV serials, prioritize my thoughts and randomly select the ones that suits my present moment and upon the availability of the factors that will contribute and enhance them .

In totality the onus of changing thoughts is upon us, I am now aware that if you let these thoughts acquire you even starting from a single one, it will start a chain reaction and then you will be completely submerged into the sea of thoughts where it will become more difficult and harder to get out dry and alive. The thing is not to let even the slightest single thought affect or get onto you.

This way a lot of everyday problems can be handled, the feeling of loneliness or being alone is just one of them . Every problem is internally located somewhere in our mind, we have to deliberately find and fix the thoughts first its like debugging, to find and delete all the bad files first that corrupt the hardware that is our mind.

 

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There’s No Heaven & Hell After Death, Its just Nothingness !

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We are Humans with bodies, that breathe to live and do all other life like activities that combine together to form and enrich our existence with experiences that are embellished with a variety of  emotions like joy,happiness, pain, sorrow, love, hate etc.

The emotions decorate our moments  namely into two distinct portions of Positive Or Negative experiences of which we largely hold onto remembering them or segregating them into much more variants of emotional experiences of our lives.

I believe to experience anything in life we need to be alive and  live in the moment, which means to Exist , to see it to believe it , for this we require our bodies,to experience,record and register those moments and then to re frame them and label them with emotions that we have during those moments .

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Image courtesy of lobster20 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Here it is very important to acknowledge the fact that in order to experience and feel certain emotions of some moments we require our bodies , if we have no body which is alive then how can we experience anything at all .

And with this belief i cannot believe in the Concept of Heaven and Hell after Death which many of religions tell us about, because to experience the angels and life of heaven we still require senses that are trapped only inside a living body, and even to experience the hot fire of hell we still  require to have a body which feels pain upon being pricked by the devils of hell.

So We require a body to experience Heaven and Hell after death !

Actually the whole concept is very confusing because when we live we have a body and so we experience everything but as soon as we die we lose this body thus losing our senses to experience anything which is around us.

Death is Emptiness , its complete Shunyata (zero) after life, there is nothing to experience nor to feel , forget Heaven or even hell , there is nothing to make us happy or sad, there isn’t a body to feel anything. What is gone is gone forever , its just the soul that circulates around like a dust particle only in search of a body to enter and get back to life again.

And it happens automatically not even the soul is in search it happens by itself , because there has been no longing or desire to relieve its just a process that has to be completed by its own.

As long as we live we are are full of experience , the day we die we are just nothingness.

Love For He’s Her

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तुम जी सकोगे कैसे, किसी को दुःख देकर ,

 

की तुम जी सकोगे कैसे, किसी को दुःख देकर

और मन में यह राज़ कैसे जीयोगे साथ लेकर

 

की ज़िन्दगी युही नहीं, बीत जाती है बिताने भर से,

अफ़साने छुप नहीं जाते, ज़माने से नज़रे चुरालेने में

 

अब तो गैरो की बाँहों में भी ले लेते होगे तुम पनहा

जला लेते होगे शाम ऐ महफ़िल में, अपनी कोई नयी शमा

 

अफ़सोस कुछ भी नहीं तेरे जीने के ढंग से मुझे

पर जलन है की, दर्द लेके भी, क्यूँ याद है तू मुझे

 

ज़िन्दगी में बस और कुछ नहीं चाहत तुझको लेकर

बस परवाह है उस शमा की जो होगी तेरी सेज पर

 

फिकर है उस ओज की जो बुझती होगी हर लम्हा

दुःख देकर जीए तू, क्यूँ होता नहीं खुद फ़ना