After few months of joy we started feeling very lonely. Nobody visits us, nor we are invited anywhere. There are no weddings to attend and even no parties. In clubs and malls there still remains this feeling of being alone even after seeing so many faces eating under the same roof but over different tables. We hardly know anyone, talking is out of context altogether.
There are highs and lows of living in a township, I never thought I would be here after living in suburban colony, it seemed as a new light but this light was dim and dull unlike the local colonies that always had a bright spark about them.
Not to mention the people; here in township are not very warm and not very gentle, though I cannot conclude much about this, since I haven’t talked to any in particular but every person carry an aura around them, and I tend to sense that along with the vibrations when they walk around me. I hardly find anyone approachable enough to start a conversation and the once that may be, my bad luck; I haven’t had their vibrations felt as yet.
It feels very lonely when you’re on your own even when you have a family you still feel out of place, because living in your hometown is much different than living in a township that too miles away. There are hardly any relatives and friends around whereas in your hometown every moment becomes an occasion on their arrival; not to forget the festivals get their own charm when you don’t have to celebrate alone.
Today living in a township is embellished with a taste of monotony and loneliness. One barely finds time for another. If at all there are some connections in between people; then there’s always some unequal distance that cannot be travelled by their inner Ego’s because everyone here, has an identity that’s not reflected by their inner souls but more by the position and status they conduct in society.
The township plays a crucial role in the development of one’s psychological wellbeing where slowly and steadily the process of desensitization takes place. What happens behind the closed doors remains behind the closed doors, we do not want to get involved since we don’t know them, is the rule of the thumb and we go by that.
We tend to get ourselves busy and the feeling that we are not connected embeds deep into us, we connote this as a suitable technique for a hassle free and stress free survival in times like today where helping has become a hassle and being connected means putting up with another in every situation they face. This is the brutal reality that we counter everyday and realising and knowing it won’t make any difference, and many factors have contributed in its growth.
Maybe it’s not the township, it’s the people who have changed or this has been like this since eons and I am living it now.
I was all happy and glee after i got married and settled with my hubby separately and away from my mum’s home that always bustled with the energy of my niece and nephew, And where work began before morning and i could never exactly figure out when will i end up in bed maybe past midnight or even more.
So suddenly i was all the more happy thinking now there’s no work and i can sleep, eat and freak at my own will but then came the loneliness, i could feel it even more because i have never been accustomed to living alone , i was always surrounded by people since school, college, work , home and i never felt like living without people was so difficult.
Because when i was living with them, all my life i felt like breaking away from them and taking sanyas and spending few years of my life alone before i get married and maybe not. I thought this many a times in my life because living in a family is not only the place where your parents, siblings and juniors influence you but also your immediate neighbors, relatives and even colleagues interfere a lot with your daily work and bread.
And so i waited and waited for my marriage to happen, the day ill be free to go on a living spree !
At first it looked nice and fresh since the honeymoon period was going on and all you think about is love and making love to my hubby. Then as the days go by i could feel an urge to go out and find work since i had left my job after marriage and moved to another city with him.
I kept exploring all possible options since working in a new place isn’t easy and there were language and cultural barriers, so i gave up looking for job and instead focused on myself thinking after all i had worked so much i must relax and enjoy doing nothing.
Days became months and months became a year, and this feeling of being alone even when we are both present hasn’t changed a bit, i wonder how do the other couples manage to live alone.I often convey my hubby about the random thoughts that cross my minds to alleviate these feelings of loneliness in me, like we must get his parents here to live with us, or that i will have at least 4 kids so that my home is always filled with noise and i keep watching little people crawling around .
He looks so much amused hearing all this but never denies me for doing anything even bringing my stupidest thoughts to reality and conforming them that they will be done.
All this and more hasn’t helped me a lot, this inner craving for people around has made me cry a lot and feel sad every time my parents, brother’s family and in laws visit me and come here to live with us for few days.
Their short duration visit’s make me even more vulnerable, i feel depressed and just cannot live alone and it get’s worse when my hubby has a tour which is for 2 or 5 days, i panic out and buy tickets immediately for home since i just cannot live by myself.
I don’t know why it happens but this need for attachment makes me weak and vulnerable, I am aware of my abilities and think am too strong to live alone and even handle everything in life ever since childhood since i have been brought up like that only, but what has happened now, something has changed in me and i cannot figure out what it is.
There’s nothing wrong externally, but everything that is wrong is internal, i have realized that soon after am left alone, when hubby goes to office or some tour my mind jumps around over the thoughts wagon and it turns on the sad mode where i think that now am alone, what next, what next, it goes around exploring bringing files and folders from past, when i was home around with everyone and how many times in my present home i felt elated to see my little nephew crawling around and how we all slept on the floor together over the mattresses in one room chatting all night.
It doesn’t stop anywhere it goes on and on, oscillating from one memory to another, all related to my being surrounded by people and constantly poking my conscious about the happiness factor that only happens when am with those people.
Now this has to stop, i cannot stop my thoughts though i can control them to some limits where i can consciously and deliberately attempt not to think about that at all and focus on the present moment like i now practice looking at the trees from my balcony ,read a book, focus on some TV serials, prioritize my thoughts and randomly select the ones that suits my present moment and upon the availability of the factors that will contribute and enhance them .
In totality the onus of changing thoughts is upon us, I am now aware that if you let these thoughts acquire you even starting from a single one, it will start a chain reaction and then you will be completely submerged into the sea of thoughts where it will become more difficult and harder to get out dry and alive. The thing is not to let even the slightest single thought affect or get onto you.
This way a lot of everyday problems can be handled, the feeling of loneliness or being alone is just one of them . Every problem is internally located somewhere in our mind, we have to deliberately find and fix the thoughts first its like debugging, to find and delete all the bad files first that corrupt the hardware that is our mind.
Oh Gosh am so tired of being asked this question so many times, its been only 6 month or so since i got married and there isn’t any one being who hasn’t asked me the million dollar question, Good News kab suna rahi hai, or good news kab degi ? ( when will you tell us about the good news or when are you going to give good news ) .
Am literally sick of the questions that make me feel that am guilty of not planning a baby or that we were using protection or just not wanting to have it right now, which is seriously not the case.
Why do people have to ask such things i can expect it from my relatives or family but why should my friends ask this, this totally unexpected from them .
Am always in favor of responding to people in a very polite and genuine way that we are ready to have a baby whenever it would happen by god’s will, when it has to happen, its not in my hands actually they must know.
Then why is everybody after me, i can really not understand, its like am the one who is responsible for not giving them the good news because they want to hear it .
More over if this doesn’t suffice, they ask me all sorts of questions that you must plan , have ,and consult gynecologist and so on , yes yes we will do that only if we see that, we have crossed our time or that its been 2 years of our marriage and still we haven’t have a baby , our marriage just got into 7th month and people are drooling over me like flies and it started in 2nd month only !
I don’t know why is everyone so worried even my good old “Educated” , “Modern” friends ask me this every time they call , and its making me become more patient, dealing with their queries, i keep giving them all sorts of answers thinking that one day they might stop asking , but no they are still going on pretty smooth.
I am just married and enjoying every bit of this moment and am even ready to get pregnant and be a mother, and am all prepared and geared up for whatever has to come to my life , But Let It Come , Let it Happen All by itself , why force it or pressurize it to happen.
This is the problem with our society even before you are born , problems exist in form of whether you arrive late or early and then when you arrive, problems related to gender, month, time and date in which you were born, after that if you are a boy what will you become engineer , doctor etc,
And god forbid if you are born a girl , your life, education, society, marriage, dowry, rape , everything related to your existence becomes the bone of contention for whole life .
Anyhow am not going away from my topic. I cannot understand why there’s so much fuss about the “good news”, its like people who ask me this, their life depends on my having a baby as if some thing good will only occur to them if i have a baby, and all this time they are expecting on my behalf !!!
When will they understand and let me be with my present, and let god decide everything rather than playing little God’s themselves. A baby is blessing of god who brings happiness that’s there to stay forever and that only happens when your time has come and when god decides for it to happen.
A very Happy Karva Chauth to Everyone.
On this beautiful day that celebrates vows of togetherness, love and prayers for long life and good health of the spouse, i pray that this bond goes on forever and for agle saat janam tak.
Here’s what happens on Karva chauth , we keep the fast all day and break it only after seeing the moon through a sieve and then our husband through that sieve after which the hubby ends the wife’s day long fast by offering her water and sweets. Women apply menhndi on their hands and feet and do all the saaj shringar like i have applied mehndi today on my OWN for simple budget reasons, and would wear my wedding lehnga as its my first karva chauth after marriage so typically ill be dressed and decked up like a bride today as well. Wow.
In the afternoon i will do the puja with karva filled with water and some rice ( earthern small pot that has a little opening which is closed by cotton ) and another pot of metal filled with water (pital ka lota) as i live alone so ill move the two of them side by side in circular direction without touching their surface. over that ill keep some rice , wheat and sweets, and also stick the calender of karva chauth katha where the vrat katha is written and decorate it with garlands and do the tilak and puja of karva by decorating it with red thread and red vermilion with a swastik. Ill put a bright saree and suhaag samgri along with it as the daughter in law offers some presents and sweets for their mother in law on the occasion of karva chauth. I will preserve them for her till the time i meet her , the puja thali is decorated with diya , roli, chawal, haldi, heena, some makeup, bangles, and everything .
After the puja i will prepare some dishes like alu gobi , halwa, puri, raita, dal, chawal for the evening , though these dishes are prepared by mother in law ,as am living alone ill prepare them myself and will wait for my husband to return from work then after the moonrise i will do the puja again and put tilak on my husbands forehead and see him through the seive in which i will keep a lit diya, after that i will offer the karva water to the moon and pray for my hubbys good health and long life. then i will touch his feet and seek his blessings and end my fast by eating sweets and water from his hands.
Now I am a complete homemaker, doing all the household chores and actually loving it, we have relocated to this new place and am liking it alot , it seems, if just two people live under a roof there are so many things to explore and care for rather living with many people and just caring for self.
I like this life and completely in love with the amount of free time and space, its like a dream come true , for what i had always been waiting for , this is what i wanted all the time when i was busy all day doing my job , studies and home tasks. But now its a whole lot of freedom , with no studies no job and no framework for work .
Life is moving really nice and i can feel and sense the time that never flies rather its slow and steady and seems to me that its just what one requires in life that he she doesn’t need to run with time rather wait for the time to chime.
Time that flows slow is simply sweet and wonderful because it has nothing to do with materialism, moreover it has the qualities of disintegrating you into different forms where one can explore and discover a lot about life in its true forms , the real essence of it and true meaning that revolves around things that we forget to peep into.
Simple encouraging acts of small work or no work and just enjoying the environment in the present mood itself is quite enchanting experience because you are so much free , you have all the time to do something and to do nothing , this explorations of nothingness is beyond comparison where you can be just with you, there’s no running for being someone else like in your office shoes or have makeup or to read some news.
Its just you and the time you have all the time even that you forget about time.
Everything is superb , nice, awesome and fantastic just the way I thought about life that’s going to be after my marriage and it truly is very nice and comfortable.
But still something’s amiss something makes me sad and cry some, being surrounded by all happiness and goodness I still feel away from them its just about 15 days since I got married but I miss my family my mom, dad , niece, sister in law and my brother, everyone so much, and its more about missing my home and Delhi , the place where I’ve lived since birth.
And here in Kolkata almost thousands miles away from home I feel lost many a times since my transition is yet to begin this is just a fragment of it am with my new mom and dad in their home but next or coming weeks I will shift to another place in Kolkata itself again some 25 miles away from them .
So much to happen , I feel that if my inner state is little troubled this time and there are so many people around me to support and love me , how will I manage without them all alone when my my hubby would be off to work and ill be alone at home. That is the time I need to think about what will I do and how will I manage my time and emotions .
It will be new for him as well but I have more problems than him, language constraints not knowing Bengali, an old locality unlike the city in Kolkata, away from family and even the lovely maa in law, and much more that takes rounds in my head. Am unable to think clearly as to how will I live and manage time with emotions.
Sometimes I fear my own feelings as am strong and do not wish to succumb to them, actually I have waited for these moments all my life after going through so many troubles in the past , but then here am and this life and situation is about me and I have to tackle it.
Will get back with more updates as I need all your advice and inputs for my new journey to help me adjust and live in a good mental shape.
Hello Am back after a long break, Not a break actually loads of work and stuff and yes now am Married to my love after such a long time. It feels so great writing this post from our home. And still a lot of things are yet to be done, so just give me some more time, so that I come back with new alive life posts !
What is the first thing that comes to your mind on hearing this word Marriage ?
Probably joy, elation, feelings of attachment to someone who would be there every time and everyday with you and is meant just for you, with the one you’ll rise every morning and go to bed every night, with whom you can share everything about your world and that is in your world which become our world .
Again the above thoughts are restricted for the first timers, i hope i make myself clear when i say this because it aches me to write an explanation for what i actually mean by first timers , or the fresh ones. Actually I don’t want to get acknowledged each day or to remind even you that its another one or am the second timer and i have no such thoughts as i expressed above.
The definition or the contributing thoughts that surround this word marriage for me now have changed immensely and its nothing like sharing – caring or great honeymoons or candle light dinners anymore .
I feel that the actual realization that has happened to me now should happen to everyone, the first or the second timers that is marriage is not only about the display of what ‘I’ feel so that the other spouse whose ‘I” is less than mine should fulfill all the desires i have leaving himself or herself behind where gradually with time ‘I’ grows and monotony sets in for the other and conflicts happen where the other feels left out as his/her desires remain unfulfilled and even unexplored. therefore there should be continuous effort to explore the ‘we’ desires more and give space to fulfill the ‘I’ desires alone all by yourself unburdening the other for their fulfillment.
I think marriage is more about giving solutions rather than understanding the problems of the relationship, we often develop our reactions on pre assumptions, stereotypical thoughts about the other as we always think that “I KNOW him or her so its nothing different today”, emotional assessment of the situation how it affected me , ego outbursts, etc. when there’s some issue or conflict we are tangled in the problem so much that we only understand the problem and forget about the solution or the other things to weigh and value ‘my’ emotional hurt and my suffering much more than the problem, leaving no space for the solution . So its actually creating more problem , one must remain conscious to find solutions of the problem rather accumulating more of it.
I feel that when you are in a relationship or married it is important to always be aware of emotions that lead to major disasters, because it always happens that “I’ was hurt, my feelings were hurt, i wasn’t cared for, i was left alone, i was cheated, i was ignored all these feelings are natural and may or may not be caused by the other, so its always important to inquire that is it actually caused by the other,or if its exaggerated, or how intense are these feelings, do you encourage them more. one must ascertain all these factors before breaking out from home or breaking the relationship.
marriage is about two people coming together to share their lives so its always important for the two of them to keep others at bay even their own family, friends and relatives when things concerned with their relationship are at stake, for that reason no decisions should be left to either of family members as it should done by the mutual agreement of the two and the couple must see that they are not intensely guided or lead by their families so much that it leads to conflicts and disagreement among them, after all its them who are in the middle of everything and its their life and nothing should affect or come in between their relationship to destroy their harmony.So a married couple should know who should they follow and lead by and remain conscious in their decisions and life roles.
The intention and thinking matters as much as the responsibilities and freedom in the marriage, where everyone has some prerequisite information that there are certain things which need to be followed in a marriage, some responsibilities and that there has to be equal space and freedom too even when all things are ‘meant’ to be shared, these are well common notions that everyone knows, but what I stress more upon, is the ‘Intention’ that goes into marriage when issues arise, in case of “what ifs” like the other doesn’t fulfill the responsibilities or the other requires more space and time alone , gives priority to his/her career or goals more than ‘me’ or ‘my home’ or ‘my family’, in such cases disputes happen, so its important to eliminate these disputes by disclosing your intentions to continue with the marriage and relation no matter what happens , to reassure the other about your thinking and that these issues are very temporary and the factors harming the other are merely pretending to do so because the actual mindset with which you are into this marriage is only the truth that the other must know rest is fake and sublime.
A couple in the marriage or relationship must stand with each other in every problem or distress and must support each other with everything, for marriage is not only joy-some togetherness rather its assimilation and accommodation of both the worlds that come in form of two human beings to come together to be identified as one whole .