Feeling Lonely or Alone

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I was all happy and glee after i got married and settled with my hubby separately and away from my mum’s home that always bustled with the energy of my niece and nephew, And where work began before morning and i could never exactly figure out when will i end up in bed maybe past midnight or even more.

So suddenly i was all the more happy thinking now there’s no work and i can sleep, eat and freak at my own will but then came the loneliness, i could feel it even more because i have never been accustomed to living alone , i was always surrounded by people since school, college, work , home and i never felt like living without people was so difficult.

Because when i was living with them, all my life i felt like breaking away from them and taking sanyas and spending few years of my life alone before i get married and maybe not. I thought this many a times in my life because living in a family is not only the place where your parents, siblings and juniors influence you but also your immediate neighbors, relatives and even colleagues interfere a lot with your daily work and bread.

And so i waited and waited for my marriage to happen, the day ill be free to go on a living spree !

At first it looked nice and fresh since the honeymoon period was going on and all you think about is love and making love to my hubby. Then as the days go by i could feel an urge to go out and find work since i had left my job after marriage and moved to another city with him.

I kept exploring all possible options since working in a new place isn’t easy and there were language and cultural barriers, so i gave up looking for job and instead focused on myself thinking after all i had worked so much i must relax and enjoy doing nothing.

Days became months and months became a year, and this feeling of being alone even when we are both present hasn’t changed a bit, i wonder how do the other couples manage to live alone.I often convey my hubby about the random thoughts that cross my minds to alleviate these feelings of loneliness in me, like we must get his parents here to live with us, or that i will have at least 4 kids so that my home is always filled with noise and i keep watching little people crawling around .

He looks so much amused hearing all this but never denies me for doing anything even bringing my stupidest thoughts to reality and conforming them that they will be done.

All this and more hasn’t helped me a lot, this inner craving for people around has made me cry a lot and feel sad every time my parents, brother’s family and in laws visit me and come here to live with us for few days.

Their short duration visit’s make me even more vulnerable, i feel depressed and just cannot live alone and it get’s worse when my hubby has a tour which is for 2 or 5 days, i panic out and buy tickets immediately for home since i just cannot live by myself.

I don’t know why it happens but this need for attachment makes me weak and vulnerable, I am aware of my abilities and think am too strong to live alone and even handle everything in life ever since childhood since i have been brought up like that only, but what has happened now, something has changed in me and i cannot figure out what it is.

There’s nothing wrong externally, but everything that is wrong is internal, i have realized that soon after am left alone, when hubby goes to office or some tour my mind jumps around over the thoughts wagon and it turns on the sad mode where i think that now am alone, what next, what next, it goes around exploring bringing files and folders from past, when i was home around with everyone and how many times in my present home i felt elated to see my little nephew crawling around and how we all slept on the floor together over the mattresses in one room chatting all night.

It doesn’t stop anywhere it goes on and on, oscillating from one memory to another, all related to my being surrounded by people and constantly poking my conscious about the happiness factor that only happens when am with those people.

Now this has to stop, i cannot stop my thoughts though i can control them to some limits where i can consciously and deliberately attempt not to think about that at all and focus on the present moment like i now practice looking at the trees from my balcony ,read a book, focus on some TV serials, prioritize my thoughts and randomly select the ones that suits my present moment and upon the availability of the factors that will contribute and enhance them .

In totality the onus of changing thoughts is upon us, I am now aware that if you let these thoughts acquire you even starting from a single one, it will start a chain reaction and then you will be completely submerged into the sea of thoughts where it will become more difficult and harder to get out dry and alive. The thing is not to let even the slightest single thought affect or get onto you.

This way a lot of everyday problems can be handled, the feeling of loneliness or being alone is just one of them . Every problem is internally located somewhere in our mind, we have to deliberately find and fix the thoughts first its like debugging, to find and delete all the bad files first that corrupt the hardware that is our mind.

 

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He Broke his Laptop, To Break Free

Yes ! this is what my Fiance did to his laptop quite literally, he broke the laptop into pieces in a fit of    anger and frustration because we had some dispute and it was carried out in a chat session and i came to know of the destruction only when he messaged me on my phone about what had happened. 

I was very unhappy and unstable, as i was apprehensive that now our relation would get sour because he would not be able to connect with the world outside nor would he be able to carry out his job search or any other things we usually do on the net be it for work or for personal reasons.

Think of the situation if your social account( Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, word press) had to be deleted for some reasons and when you know you can still have it despite of the moment that makes you do it, again it was your own choice, but think of it that, you did it , and you worry about your personal stuff that was gone and how much you wished to connect being a social person who loves to interact and connect and know about the world through virtual platform. But it disappears suddenly, when you were least prepared.

As i think about all these because you never know how deeply certain things are important for some people, you cannot know. And  thinking that id been the reason for all this, affected me more,and i thought that our relation would surely not work out in days to come, and things wont get back normal so soon, because right now there’s a terrible financial crunch that comes being unemployed and he needs something to freshen up i always think. 

Its hard to spend time doing things for someone who is out of job, the whole day you dont have any work and you look for things you could work and makes you feel content even if its job search doing it through the internet. I was afraid what would happen next. he is coping with this situation so well and he had this just one thing where he could share his thoughts through his blog http://arnabsinha.com/, but now he cannot even do that. 

I was running with all these thoughts and the phone rang it was him, and to my utmost surprise i heard him all the more relaxed, cool and stress free more than ever he was since the last years. he called me up to say that he was actually feeling nice, So “FREE” and so happy to get rid of that laptop . He said he got all the more time to read books ( Hard Copy), go out for jogging, spend time with his friend, call up the other people on phone, write down his diary, come out with novel ideas for business, evolve strategy’s for getting jobs, and what not, he talked endless about what all he could do in absence of his laptop.

Again i thought this unbelievable, because if i had broken my laptop i would have been crying for months and months till i got a new one but still i would have been unhappy for all the personal data pics and other things i would have lost in because of destruction.  

I still cannot digest the fact that how can anyone live without his laptop and having lost all the great stuff begins to feel richly, being out of touch with people and information for so long time and moreover he moves care free as if nothing had happened and he had lost almost nothing. the laptop was so insignificant, in a situation where he knows he cannot have it till the times he has a job and that too after his salary only he can buy a new one.

And i know he doesn’t pretend or show things, he is very straight forward and hides nothing about his feelings and emotions and always speaks the truth from the bottom of his heart. he is such a guy who never had a girlfriend, not even spoke to a woman in his 30 years of life, and as i say this and i can give it to you in writing also . For in the world today i cannot believe someone not having the girl or boy connection in any point of life. 

I believe that he has gone a level up in his search for spirituality after destroying the connection with the virtual world and the day is not far when he will break his phone too and become a complete sadhu who can live peacefully without these essentials that we think as another necessities after food, home and clothes.

Sometimes i  think that if i never had any of those gadgets in my life, i could be more free and will have more, much more, time  to cook, play with my niece  read more books, spend more time with my grandmother, do more chores, take up study courses, exercise everyday, write my diary,forget to care about my looks, live a stress free life, not care about my ex profile, get rid of seeing my glamorous friends everyday with their new pics, no news about friends getting married, seeing their pics of exotic honeymoon destinations, all the more i could do i think but, then this ‘but’ comes in between, and i think about all the changes that has been brought about by these gadgets in my life that cant be ignored.

It takes a lot of courage today to get outside the virtual world to afford a carefree life and being consistent with your consciousness, that should not interfere with thoughts that attracts you towards them. And am proud and happy that my love was able to break this and get out soon to enrich his life with spiritual encounters.