Tag Archives: influence

Feeling Lonely or Alone

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Image courtesy of jesadaphorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was all happy and glee after i got married and settled with my hubby separately and away from my mum’s home that always bustled with the energy of my niece and nephew, And where work began before morning and i could never exactly figure out when will i end up in bed maybe past midnight or even more.

So suddenly i was all the more happy thinking now there’s no work and i can sleep, eat and freak at my own will but then came the loneliness, i could feel it even more because i have never been accustomed to living alone , i was always surrounded by people since school, college, work , home and i never felt like living without people was so difficult.

Because when i was living with them, all my life i felt like breaking away from them and taking sanyas and spending few years of my life alone before i get married and maybe not. I thought this many a times in my life because living in a family is not only the place where your parents, siblings and juniors influence you but also your immediate neighbors, relatives and even colleagues interfere a lot with your daily work and bread.

And so i waited and waited for my marriage to happen, the day ill be free to go on a living spree !

At first it looked nice and fresh since the honeymoon period was going on and all you think about is love and making love to my hubby. Then as the days go by i could feel an urge to go out and find work since i had left my job after marriage and moved to another city with him.

I kept exploring all possible options since working in a new place isn’t easy and there were language and cultural barriers, so i gave up looking for job and instead focused on myself thinking after all i had worked so much i must relax and enjoy doing nothing.

Days became months and months became a year, and this feeling of being alone even when we are both present hasn’t changed a bit, i wonder how do the other couples manage to live alone.I often convey my hubby about the random thoughts that cross my minds to alleviate these feelings of loneliness in me, like we must get his parents here to live with us, or that i will have at least 4 kids so that my home is always filled with noise and i keep watching little people crawling around .

He looks so much amused hearing all this but never denies me for doing anything even bringing my stupidest thoughts to reality and conforming them that they will be done.

All this and more hasn’t helped me a lot, this inner craving for people around has made me cry a lot and feel sad every time my parents, brother’s family and in laws visit me and come here to live with us for few days.

Their short duration visit’s make me even more vulnerable, i feel depressed and just cannot live alone and it get’s worse when my hubby has a tour which is for 2 or 5 days, i panic out and buy tickets immediately for home since i just cannot live by myself.

I don’t know why it happens but this need for attachment makes me weak and vulnerable, I am aware of my abilities and think am too strong to live alone and even handle everything in life ever since childhood since i have been brought up like that only, but what has happened now, something has changed in me and i cannot figure out what it is.

There’s nothing wrong externally, but everything that is wrong is internal, i have realized that soon after am left alone, when hubby goes to office or some tour my mind jumps around over the thoughts wagon and it turns on the sad mode where i think that now am alone, what next, what next, it goes around exploring bringing files and folders from past, when i was home around with everyone and how many times in my present home i felt elated to see my little nephew crawling around and how we all slept on the floor together over the mattresses in one room chatting all night.

It doesn’t stop anywhere it goes on and on, oscillating from one memory to another, all related to my being surrounded by people and constantly poking my conscious about the happiness factor that only happens when am with those people.

Now this has to stop, i cannot stop my thoughts though i can control them to some limits where i can consciously and deliberately attempt not to think about that at all and focus on the present moment like i now practice looking at the trees from my balcony ,read a book, focus on some TV serials, prioritize my thoughts and randomly select the ones that suits my present moment and upon the availability of the factors that will contribute and enhance them .

In totality the onus of changing thoughts is upon us, I am now aware that if you let these thoughts acquire you even starting from a single one, it will start a chain reaction and then you will be completely submerged into the sea of thoughts where it will become more difficult and harder to get out dry and alive. The thing is not to let even the slightest single thought affect or get onto you.

This way a lot of everyday problems can be handled, the feeling of loneliness or being alone is just one of them . Every problem is internally located somewhere in our mind, we have to deliberately find and fix the thoughts first its like debugging, to find and delete all the bad files first that corrupt the hardware that is our mind.

 

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Karma Decides Destiny

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Krishna Enlightening Arjuna about his Karma to Fight the Mahabharata Yudh to Retain Dharma on Earth.

Understand about destiny , it usually means something which is predetermined , now what has been already decided, will happen or not, who will come to witness that, have you ever thought about.

Just imagine that If you want to eat a chocolate now, you will eat it if its there around you at home, or go and buy it from the market and eat it . But consider another situation where you want to eat it in the middle of the night, if the shops close at 1 am and you couldn’t eat the chocolate then you blame it on your destiny, for not being able to fulfill your wish, but you never realize about the circumstance s that you are already aware of and still act naive and blame everything on your destiny.

Destiny is almost nothing and just a meaning in the sense of being predetermined.

Rather destiny is what you create yourself with your own hands by choosing the KARMIC actions you perform all your life and this is your function , this is your role and this is what you do and should do all life.

Karma is our actions/ deeds and behavior that we do all our lives and this is what shapes and creates our future or our present. People often forget about Karma and believe in “Bhagya” in Hindi or Fate in English which gives rise to unravel ling the mystery of this Bhagya or fate in the Kundlis or Birth charts that again generate a cycle of going after planets, stars , signs and remedies to cure or even changing our fate, It is quite unfortunate to observe that people often waste tonnes of money in these activities and never ever realize that there is nothing that can be done to change anything about life it goes by your karma and not through destiny. They eagerly wish and hope for MAGIC or MIRACLES to happen that would change.

Very often we just cannot give up on accepting that there is nothing like unseen forces, power, rituals or practices that can change the way we exist . because we love  it so much being dependent, to be connected for our needs and wishes that whoever says whatever to us to create our destiny, we tend to follow them blindly overlooking facts and logic .

One more thing i remember is that only the people in distress or who believe in miracles, or who are weak spirited go for such remedies and practices, they do not believe in the power of their own karma . They override their faith,beliefs and consequences of their own actions / behavior that is their own Karma that they do .

Karma is only what you do or have been doing all this time long , it is what you Choose to do between good and bad, truth or false, happy or sad, positive or negative, accept or reject and much more , it is the Freedom we never think about while we make the Choice to do what we want to do , nobody has snatched that choice from us isn’t it ? Then the concern is if we are the ones who do everything who choose and make decision every time for what next action will be then how is destiny planned or predetermined and if it were be that, then why should we believe in it so much, where its us who has the Control. The destiny does not even help,hinders or defines or decides what actions we take, other than our own willingness.

So, We actually have one thing to do is help our destiny shape, the way we want or like it to be,  by being conscious and doing the right karma and forget about the results and surrender to the power of god and let him take care of it. We actually fear about so many things , the planets, the destiny,the kundli, the rituals and god that we actually forget about our KARMA . In this process we try to be gods because we wish to Control and Believe that our actions, our karma is predestined and it had to be the way it should or what these unseen forces want us to do is what we actually do.

This is not right as we are afraid to uphold the sole responsibility of our deeds or actions i.e Karma ourselves . As its always the individual who decides and make the choice and is the performer, so how can anything other thing, that will come later holds responsibility for the karma you do today. Its always your call to wake up or not, to perform good action, behave right and tread upon a value, virtuous and righteous path that is good for us and others as well and doesn’t harm anyone in anyway.

Its best to Love god and surrender to him and leave everything to him and just do your karma that is your responsibility alone, as Krishna says Do your karma and dont worry about the results, leave them to me.