Feeling Lonely or Alone

Image courtesy of jesadaphorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was all happy and glee after i got married and settled with my hubby separately and away from my mum’s home that always bustled with the energy of my niece and nephew, And where work began before morning and i could never exactly figure out when will i end up in bed maybe past midnight or even more.

So suddenly i was all the more happy thinking now there’s no work and i can sleep, eat and freak at my own will but then came the loneliness, i could feel it even more because i have never been accustomed to living alone , i was always surrounded by people since school, college, work , home and i never felt like living without people was so difficult.

Because when i was living with them, all my life i felt like breaking away from them and taking sanyas and spending few years of my life alone before i get married and maybe not. I thought this many a times in my life because living in a family is not only the place where your parents, siblings and juniors influence you but also your immediate neighbors, relatives and even colleagues interfere a lot with your daily work and bread.

And so i waited and waited for my marriage to happen, the day ill be free to go on a living spree !

At first it looked nice and fresh since the honeymoon period was going on and all you think about is love and making love to my hubby. Then as the days go by i could feel an urge to go out and find work since i had left my job after marriage and moved to another city with him.

I kept exploring all possible options since working in a new place isn’t easy and there were language and cultural barriers, so i gave up looking for job and instead focused on myself thinking after all i had worked so much i must relax and enjoy doing nothing.

Days became months and months became a year, and this feeling of being alone even when we are both present hasn’t changed a bit, i wonder how do the other couples manage to live alone.I often convey my hubby about the random thoughts that cross my minds to alleviate these feelings of loneliness in me, like we must get his parents here to live with us, or that i will have at least 4 kids so that my home is always filled with noise and i keep watching little people crawling around .

He looks so much amused hearing all this but never denies me for doing anything even bringing my stupidest thoughts to reality and conforming them that they will be done.

All this and more hasn’t helped me a lot, this inner craving for people around has made me cry a lot and feel sad every time my parents, brother’s family and in laws visit me and come here to live with us for few days.

Their short duration visit’s make me even more vulnerable, i feel depressed and just cannot live alone and it get’s worse when my hubby has a tour which is for 2 or 5 days, i panic out and buy tickets immediately for home since i just cannot live by myself.

I don’t know why it happens but this need for attachment makes me weak and vulnerable, I am aware of my abilities and think am too strong to live alone and even handle everything in life ever since childhood since i have been brought up like that only, but what has happened now, something has changed in me and i cannot figure out what it is.

There’s nothing wrong externally, but everything that is wrong is internal, i have realized that soon after am left alone, when hubby goes to office or some tour my mind jumps around over the thoughts wagon and it turns on the sad mode where i think that now am alone, what next, what next, it goes around exploring bringing files and folders from past, when i was home around with everyone and how many times in my present home i felt elated to see my little nephew crawling around and how we all slept on the floor together over the mattresses in one room chatting all night.

It doesn’t stop anywhere it goes on and on, oscillating from one memory to another, all related to my being surrounded by people and constantly poking my conscious about the happiness factor that only happens when am with those people.

Now this has to stop, i cannot stop my thoughts though i can control them to some limits where i can consciously and deliberately attempt not to think about that at all and focus on the present moment like i now practice looking at the trees from my balcony ,read a book, focus on some TV serials, prioritize my thoughts and randomly select the ones that suits my present moment and upon the availability of the factors that will contribute and enhance them .

In totality the onus of changing thoughts is upon us, I am now aware that if you let these thoughts acquire you even starting from a single one, it will start a chain reaction and then you will be completely submerged into the sea of thoughts where it will become more difficult and harder to get out dry and alive. The thing is not to let even the slightest single thought affect or get onto you.

This way a lot of everyday problems can be handled, the feeling of loneliness or being alone is just one of them . Every problem is internally located somewhere in our mind, we have to deliberately find and fix the thoughts first its like debugging, to find and delete all the bad files first that corrupt the hardware that is our mind.

 

Advertisement

Simplify Needs To Enlighten

It is completely impossible to accept or even say that body could play any helpful role in enlightenment beyond the mind. We have by far known that only the mind helps in being enlightened or being one with the universe.

By dropping or ceasing to have any thoughts and unwrapping the different layers of mind’s conscious can help in successfully being enlightened, is the fact we all have known. But could body help in enlightenment is really a debatable and quite confusing thing.

Am also researching more on this myself , as only yesterday i came up with this thought that body can play a very crucial role in helping me enlighten a bit.

Image courtesy of sakhorn38 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As i lay on my bed in afternoon having nothing to do , no work , no chore not even a book to read or play some game, i just kept wandering and dazing around the walls of my room, the clothes hanging , the wardrobe’s mirror, the new cooler, the curtains half drawn over the window and half opened.

As i watched all these i thought “how free i am” and then some more correlating thoughts followed this one, like how really free i am, not working or even doing any home activities, am i ashamed of not having a job or am i that shameful to get household chores done by the maid and not myself .

I kept moving with those thoughts in flow, am so free, people would die to get this free-ness in their lives and here i am all free and doing nothing absolutely nothing, i have a full stomach, with full clothes on, and a soothing room temperature that caresses my open hands , feet , face and my long hair.

Ahh how beautiful the life is here just laying around and gazing what’s in and out of that window. the thoughts still coming, i realized how free i am , i don’t need to work, i don’t need to compete, or i don’t want t to study any further to let other’s know am still in the race, I actually don’t feel the need or desire to do any of that anymore.

What has happened, is anything wrong with me,i don’t feel the urge to get up and ‘DO’ , i feel complete this way, nor am i hungry nor am i shivering. Then what’s is it that makes me feel nothing, i thought even more and realized that the needs of my body are fulfilled , the art is to fill the stomach either with rice or pasta is a choice, the body need’s clothes, its a choice to have comfortable or styled clothes, the body needs air , should it be fan or air conditioner is again a choice.

The way body is satisfied and the needs controlled is the only way to reach out , once the body is fine there’s a way to reach beyond, the mind automatically shut’s down the desires when the needs are met in simplicity. the body craves for food it doesn’t tell you, that you need a pizza to feed the hunger, it never did, its the mind who thinks about giving taste or the choice of food, the task is the same to fill the empty stomach, it could be with a bowl of rice too.

So when we have the bodily need’s are met with simplicity, we no longer have desire’s anymore, the mind slowly starts to drop thoughts that accumulate desires and urges, and then becomes zero at one time, there are no thoughts anymore and thus the mind ceases to happen anymore, the emptiness of thoughts is replaced by consciousness, the body succeeds in arriving at this consciousness where the person seeking enlightenment becomes more awakened and aware about his inner self , there is no more the need to look around for anything , everything is there in itself.

When body is sufficed with no desire, the soul comes to power and mind no longer exists, the soul directs the movements of mind that lead it to consciousness and to the path of enlightenment. There is then, absolutely no need to deliberately stop the flow of thoughts, it will happen automatically when the need’s of body are met with simplicity and there is not even an inch of desire left to think or act upon.

 

I Sit

I sit half thinking, half relaxed

here’s the time when am not taxed

leaving work and designation

that bore slavery and recognition

Am no more bound to work anymore

nor do i search for, at any door

I sit casually with my tea

loving and loathing the time that’s free

Unable to think of what to do

To do, to do, to act no clue.

I should practice quietness

for doing snatches happiness

I should just sit happy for a while

Travel inside and work in style

for bread and butter has its own source

I need not get up for any force

In steps i try to travel inside

but thrown away by high tide

still being trapped with work outside

i sit here and sit on the other side

There’s a Mind Behind The Mind

These days am being regularly advised by my dearest hubby to practice doing nothing , he thinks am a restless soul and that i cannot stop doing things , even if am lying down on bed he says am in continuous movement where i keep talking about daily tasks or things i have to do or remember for the other day or even future .

And i really agree with him, i find myself restless very often when i think i must relax and need time to unwind a bit, and the more i try to relax and do nothing, i introspect that my mind never ceases to think , it thinks , and thinks even during the night like am in a whirlpool of thoughts.

He is right i must practice the art of doing nothing like he does when he sits quietly for some time in a very peaceful and relaxing composure and literally does nothing, i don’t see his eyes blinking when they are close, nor their is any hand or leg movement or anything i see that disturbs him from him. But this doesn’t happens with me and am aware of my eyes that in are in movement when they are closed to relax which i think should not happen when you are doing nothing.

The movement reflects thoughts and the continuous nature of doing , doing as in thinking, remembering like all the cognitive activities of the mind and like my hubby says “there’s a mind behind the mind” that will make you do everything and even let you do nothing , we must learn to know about the mind that works behind this mind that we are conscious about.

 

I believe its really hard to do nothing because the mind has its own powerful mechanism that would never stop doing, because we have these senses that are in continuous work mode and we keep tracking sound, smell, taste, touch and vision, so i always protest about this doing nothing activity and i think i really cannot help them close and so i have to intake all the information that comes to me and analyse them as this is my basic instinct of doing .

I think there’s an answer to this problem where senses cannot be closed nor shut down but they can be controlled which is why there is a mind behind the mind as my hubby says.

It has a very deep meaning and am still trying to know every bit of it from him, but unfortunately am not a very good listener as when he explains and talks spiritual, i could barely give him 5 minutes and keep saying I know this , I already know this. Its not a good thing and i acknowledge my weakness of not listening to him when he talks of spirituality and life and even guilty of not reading many of his spiritual accounts in his diary or blog.

The mind behind the mind is often dormant i believe because we are aware and conscious of only one mind that stores , restores remembers and does all the cognitive and psychological activities, but it lacks the potential to be controlled or to be used wisely, hence we become slave to our own conscious mind that never stops doing , it only takes and takes more within and we cannot do anything but to keep doing.

Well i don’t have any recipe as of yet for practicing this simple yet supreme art , but If at all You and I become aware of the mind behind the mind we could practice the art of doing nothing. but am afraid it will take some while for me to learn this art from my hubby because he does it with utmost ease and am still years away from learning the practice of doing nothing , where i have to first manage the art of being a good listener .

 

 

Since we have t…

Since we have tried all the worldly pleasure’s since birth, it becomes difficult to live without them, if at all we had been brought up without those experiences, we would never knew any less or anything like suffering.

Marriage : An Everlasting Intention

Traditional Indian Wedding Image

What is the first thing that comes to your mind on hearing this word Marriage ?

Probably joy, elation, feelings of attachment to someone who would be there every time and everyday with you and is meant just for you, with the one you’ll rise every morning and go to bed every night, with whom you can share everything about your world and that is in your world which become our world .

Again the above thoughts are restricted for the first timers, i hope i make myself clear when i say this because it aches me to write an explanation for what i actually mean by first timers , or the fresh ones. Actually I don’t want to get acknowledged each day or to remind even you that its another one or am the second timer and i have no such thoughts as i expressed above.

The definition or the contributing thoughts that surround this word marriage for me now have changed immensely and its nothing like sharing – caring or great honeymoons or candle light dinners anymore .

I feel that the actual realization that has happened to me now should happen to everyone, the first or the second timers that is marriage is not only about the display of what  ‘I’ feel so that the other spouse whose ‘I” is less than mine should fulfill all the desires i have leaving himself or herself behind where gradually with time ‘I’ grows and monotony sets in for the other and conflicts happen where the other feels left out as his/her desires remain unfulfilled and even unexplored. therefore there should be continuous effort to explore the ‘we’ desires more and give space to fulfill the ‘I’ desires alone all by yourself unburdening the other for their fulfillment.

I think marriage is more about giving solutions rather than understanding the problems of the relationship, we often develop our reactions on pre assumptions, stereotypical thoughts about the other as we always think that “I KNOW him or her so its nothing different today”, emotional assessment of the situation how it affected me , ego outbursts, etc. when there’s some issue or conflict we are tangled in the problem so much that we only understand the problem and forget about the solution or the other things to weigh and value ‘my’ emotional hurt and my suffering much more than the problem, leaving no space for the solution . So its actually creating more problem , one must remain conscious to find solutions of the problem rather accumulating more of it.

I feel that when you are in a relationship or married it is important to always be aware of emotions that lead to major disasters, because it always happens that “I’ was hurt, my feelings were hurt, i wasn’t cared for, i was left alone, i was cheated, i was ignored all these feelings are natural and may or may not be caused by the other, so its always important to inquire that is it actually caused by the other,or  if its exaggerated, or how intense are these feelings, do you encourage them more. one must ascertain all these factors before breaking out from home or breaking the relationship.

marriage is about two people coming together to share their lives so its always important for the two of them to keep others at bay even their own family, friends and relatives when things concerned with their relationship are at stake, for that reason no decisions should be left to either of family members as it should done by the mutual agreement of the two and the couple must see that they are not intensely guided or lead by their families so much that it leads to conflicts and disagreement among them, after all its them who are in the middle of everything and its their life and nothing should affect or come in between their relationship to destroy their harmony.So a married couple should know who should they follow and lead by and remain conscious in their decisions and life roles.

The intention and thinking matters as much as the responsibilities and freedom in the marriage, where everyone has some prerequisite information that there are certain things which need to be followed in a marriage, some responsibilities and that there has to be equal space and freedom too even when all things are ‘meant’ to be shared, these are well common notions that everyone knows, but what I stress more upon, is the ‘Intention’ that goes into marriage when issues arise, in case of “what ifs” like the other doesn’t fulfill the responsibilities  or the other requires more space and time alone , gives priority to his/her career or goals more than ‘me’ or ‘my  home’ or ‘my family’, in  such cases disputes happen, so its important to eliminate these disputes by disclosing your intentions to continue with the marriage and relation no matter what happens , to reassure the other about your thinking and that these issues are very temporary and the factors harming the other are merely pretending to do so because the actual mindset with which you are into this marriage is only the truth that the other must know rest is fake and sublime.

A couple in the marriage or relationship must stand with each other in every problem or distress and must support each other with everything, for marriage is not only joy-some togetherness rather its assimilation and accommodation of  both the worlds that come in form of two human beings to come together to be identified as one whole .

The Unborn

 

Sometimes i think am still unborn

as am not born the way i should have born

 

 

am still not so beautiful by the way

 

am still not so bold, this they say

 

 

am still unborn, my heart cries

 

for no eyes fend for me twice

 

 

every day i feel so taken away

 

when i feel nothing about work or play

 

 

am still unborn, my soul tries

 

for no ears listen me to apprise

  

 

no pun no fun no glam or gold

 

i have none for the talks, they hold

 

 

am still unborn, my conscious say

 

for no touch touches me to gay

 

 

no fancy, funny, formula i know

 

to keep my presence alive from low

 

 

am still unborn, with heart and soul

 

still i will perfect this unformed whole

 

Go Beyond Known

 

It happens so many times that we feel the need to go beyond, our friends or family to communicate or discuss about our personal views in the most unbiased manner as possible or just looking out for someone who knows us least and is less predictable when it comes to dealing with our emotions . unfortunately we fear and hold back.

Because its hard to break the routine, that we cling to our close and intimates as we have have deep connections with them and an infallible feeling of trust and dependence that we’ve been brought to think about since childhood and so does the experiences that corroborate with these thoughts that we often shun the idea to go explore the opportunities we could have in relationships that are beyond blood ties or the known.

Its almost unthinkable to think of relations beyond spouse, friends, or partners, that have legitimacy and acceptance from the society as its formed and been that ways ever since. so we fear disregard and disapproval from society and moreover the world today that going bizarre and evil in view if crimes etc.

The above is a cliche and will remain that ways forever, but we all feel the need to look beyond many a times, beyond the one who knows us with whom we could be our self and do not feel the need to pretend or portray a characteristic or personality that they can approve and accept of us. For its very rare that a person could accept you for what you are and not who you are.

The thoughts that randomly cross your heart and head, push to find some fragments of moments where they could be heard, unbiased, uninterrupted, unquestioned and never judged . It would be a great feeling and one can attribute this to the heavenly or the divine feeling.

This idea or imagination is no less than a reverie for me because it breaks the norm, i can lift this to the level that i often think, if i were to have more mother like figures with whom i could talk and link , its not about substituting or relating even its more like having someone outside an unknown person but still you can relate to them and attach to them in whatever way you feel like , giving them any name or any relation.

The perspective of relating to an unknown is also a conditioned aspect of life , because i have been conditioned to give relations in form of the ties or bonds i have with the known or unknown should be well defined because it helps me to draw the lengths or lines of attachment i can have with them.

Again its a barrier in going beyond the known, i want to break this conditioning too but it needs immense higher order thinking and knowing the truth, the enlightened being can do this , but if i were enlightened enough then would i need to go beyond in search for the other Person other than myself.

The higher order thoughts shall take time but what about the needs of the moment that is the need to talk, the way that am least choosy about what i have to say because its not what i have to say rather i say because the other listens and i speak for him/her, and not for me, so in a way we all speak for the others, our thoughts are for the others, do we have our OWN thoughts,  perhaps not because they go into the diary or blogs , they don’t come out in conversations.

So imagine if we could speak our heart and own our thoughts and be as much as our self then there’s nothing like it.

Its pretty hard to have our way among the known but we can take the leap and go beyond the unknown but then we have to be conscious and aware so that we are not manipulated or misused, and we can search till we find the unknown or if we still fear then lets find the unknown that lives within us in our body and forms our soul.

 

People love to …

People love to prepare for “their” plan, so much that they are out of control when it fails, what they do not realize is, ‘what to prepare for’, i mean preparing for the unplanned, the unexpected change, turn of plans, only through this can they be, eternally conscious enough to still stay happy and prepare for the next unplanned.

Rebellious Hope Beyond Personalized Failure

Every genre of life holds some kind of productive roots that need to be harnessed in order to sustain for life and better livelihood to keep cycle of life consistent. For a human, its quite unimaginable to think about a life that is absent of materialism.The pursuit of this powerful yet significant source ( money) for life is ruthless and impinges upon the life so much that without it one can barely live the act of living.

The insatiable human life that never cease’s to desire materialism, hardly has any space left for spiritual conscious growth that could pose as a great escape for some who breath their last breath of soot in misfortune as their endless failures never ended.

For some failure is the end of experiments but for me failure is a beautiful concept that reminds me of my existence, am alive and in action and that I am making full use of every breath of mine. And i never fail to happen be it for countless failures or little spells of chance success. life is as much you and i know about it with past present and future attributed around two words success or failures but we fail to see beyond these two dictionary words.

It is unexpected of any human to detach them self from the life they have today, with so much of happening around them, since childhood school to their adulthood offices, life is full of events, emotions etc. whatever has happened in the past or whatever will happen in the future, we all try to personalize them and include those events of the past to the present moment and even attach the present shaping to suit it best for the future.

In the process we stop realizing the present which is all today the very moment we live in, we care so much about the failures the mistakes the events that happened that it begin to shape our future through our present moments of pondering over the past, thinking it shouldn’t happen again in the future we keep ruining and playing with the present.

The future has innumerable opportunities that the present may not know, the lack of awareness of the future is a blessing i believe as the graph of life is never a line, its rhythmic and this is a sign that we should have rebellious hope to do our work till the end whatever be the outcome let it remain, let it hold, but never stop the action.

Failures often leave us down and disappointed and even hopeless so much that we choose to quit action or some may even quit their lives, because again the matter is how you take the failures . There can be intermittent or consistent failures in life , if you ask me, i have consistent failures that i never personalize.

Because the day you begin to personalize with the failures its the day you cease to act anymore. Be it one or endless failures it should never let you stop, rather be rebellious having hope not for success or winning but hope that you shall continue despite these failures even if it happen time and again .

To hope in misery is to be rebel, to hope life in death is rebel, Hope is an endless rebellion towards life that even failure is natural and so is the hope that should never end. Hope is just not a factor or a word if you term it like that then the failure is just a word defined for a thing, idea, or event that went wrong not the way you planned.

I believe that these terms like, failure, mistakes, devastated  depressed, death, divorce, pain, ruined etc are becoming more symbolic and full of imagery the moment you think of them whereas the positive words like being happy, love,hope, faith, never give up, belief  etc are becoming more abstract because we can barely find any of the events describing them in our imagination when we are only going through the above negative terms that heavily sits and eat up our conscious.

which is why more and more people are becoming sad and full of disappointing because the ones they seek approval from or even look up for positivism are themselves full of negativity in and around them. we actually have lost our innate capacity to harness our own energy for being positive and its hard to do that mechanical work now of rebuilding.

The more practical answer to failures is then only the rebellious hope for this you need not change your mental setup of all positive and spirituality because i know its very hard to do it, even i cannot pull myslef from thinking negative so many times but the thing i always practice is this incessant hope i keep which becomes more and more rebellious with every failure that i encounter.

It has made me hard and courageous and so much that am least affected by life, am more able to enjoy small moments of happiness i dont long for big ones and i enjoy small things like eating the left piece of cake, or cooking some noodle, playing with my niece, or watching my Favorite songs. I no longer wait but i still move and act and i dont give up on action in life for there’s nothing to loose till the time you’re alive play with life.