Tag Archives: anger

Questions ?

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I cannot stop by putting a dot

for questions contemplating a blot

for me or anything of mine

past , future or in this time

 

am no more what i used to be

not even the memory you have of me

so i cannot answer the way you remember

of irritation or signs of acute anger

 

i have discharged myself from actions

and grown out of those empty questions

that tried and tested my nerves then,

but now with the light of the little Zen

 

i give away the desire to answer

or even the nerve’s to transfer

the feelings that you wish to create

inside me of gloom or hate.

 

plase try to ‘watch’ my dear friend

am not following the experineced trend 

its just that i have changed something

about who i was, to i am Nothing.

 

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Lost ‘My’ Material Identity

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So i was more or less devastated, tensed, felt raw and lost some few hours back ..

Last Thursday me along with my hubby and in laws went to puri in orissa for Jagannath darshan ( Lord Krishna). Since I believed that after marriage and before honeymoon i should go and seek blessings of Maa Vaishno devi at jammu but since my hubby wasn’t able to get enough leave from his office, then everyone decided to go Jagannath as it was not too far and its an overnight journey by train from kolkata.

So we went ahead knowing that it was the time of Rath Yatra and lord Jagannath visits his maternal aunt for few days in a chariot and comes back into the temple where till that time his replica is placed.

Puri Beach :awesome weather and water

Puri Beach :awesome weather and water

So Puri this time is a hot spot for tourists ( mostly Hindus from other states) who flock there to see lord Jagannath and enjoy the Puri Beach, which is an epic beautiful place with all the sea water gushing to and fro and sea waves making sounds.

Here i Must confess that am not a whole hearted bhakt of Lord Krishna , though my hubby loves reading his geeta and currently he is reading Osho’s Geeta Darshan and from his readings he speaks to me of his many teachings and life skills which are very enlightening and realistic. I love listening the bhagwat katha of Krishna and his various Lila’s (maya) but unable to replace the love i have for shiva to him. So still not seriously like i would do when i am to see shiva i went jagannath puri , thinking of shiva as the jagannath unknowingly.

During the  morning we were not able to see  lord Jagannath, there being a huge crowd of  people jostling , fighting and pushing others just to climb on the chariot of lord jagannath, and even the other two chariots of subhadra ( Krishna’s sister ) and Balaram ( Krishna ‘s elder brother) that had equal share of people fighting to reach atop.  As if this ordeal was less in grace there were many pandits who snatched away the hands of the people who thought could shell out loads of cash to see the lord , they clutch the hand so tightly swearing by god that they will make you see and do the puja of lord jagnannth even in this endless sea of people standing and pushing in the invisible ques where the pandits were not spared the policemen s lathi ( wooden stick ).

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All this time i was being pushed and twitched in the crowd but thanks to my hubby he never left my ‘body’ alone And between all this time i kept comforting my mother in law, as she was unable to bear the heat, sun and reckless people who shoved her and pulled her spectacles out of her sight, i kept soothing her saying its just for once and if not possible we will go back to the hotel. Finally we were not able to make it and upon a pandits advice we decided to come back in afternoon as he said that is the time when there are less people and we can do the puja and darshan.

So before the afternoon we bathed in the rain and sea water on the beach and went back for darshan, it seemed the crowd was less but then all of a sudden the people in the que grew more and more there were not one or two or three lines rather no lines at all it was again a crowd  that grew more and more around us and we began to feel the heat. Again the same pushing , pulling begun and this time it was more humiliating since the the police personnel’s who were trying to control the crowds actually hit the people anywhere they felt right in a fit of rage, actually they were also helpless controlling so many people was a tough task. so we still managed and struggled for about 2 hours or more just to see lord jagannath once ,but to no avail we went back to the tea stalls nearby for some water and refreshments.

View of Lord jagannath from a stall taken just before the loss.

View of Lord jagannath from a stall taken just before the loss.

As soon i opened my handbag for keeping my mobile phone after taking pictures of lord jagannath, i was shocked to see my handbag  ripped open , cut from behind and my brown wallet was gone, it had all the identity proofs like voter Id card , driving license, pan card, debit card with good cash amount , my gold chain and engagement ring and even my hubby’s engagement ring, that i had kept safely in it before going to the beach as i feared losing them while bathing because water softens the hand and rings may lose their grip.

I was stupefied and helpless for some time maybe an hour or so, but inside i was thinking that i had this intuition before, that i was about to lose my brown wallet in this the trip and as if i was wanting it to go. I don’t know why but i never put my little earrings in that wallet i put them into the small chains of my handbag, and it was that day i did not do so.

To narrate what i felt at that moment is something very bold and complicated because there was sense of loss but there was actually not that much of pain , i had to forgo almost things worth 2 lac and more and its a huge amount for me really huge, but why i did not feel so so sad as to have almost a week full of guilt, pain anger, cursing the thief , or just going berserk.

To this day even, I haven’t spoken of any ill for the thief though i just imagine the look on his face when he would see how fool i was to keep all that for him and how he would dance with joy and happiness on getting such a good deal, even though its not as if his whole life would change, but its more than enough to keep him high on spirits. anyhow we registered the FIR and had to devalue the value of the gold and cash that was stolen since we had to immediately procure the receipt of those ornaments in order to get the FIR lodged, but who had all that ,at that point of time, so we just thought of getting the FIR so as to apply for identity cards as soon as possible and more because we were not in our home town and for me i was even more far from my mother’s home.

Ever since this incident I haven’t told my mom about it, and thank god she is not aware of my blog nor the Internet. She took so much pains to make that gold ring for my hubby by giving her own gold ornaments of her marriage for making that ring. I feel doomed at some point of time for being so careless and guilty for losing her hard earned money which she gave for us to keep as we still need a lot of  financial support from both the families and along with this my savings had gone too that i had been doing for so long time .

Now i wish i had bought that Suit or that watch for my hubby and spent the

money at least from my savings , Anyhow if it had to go it had to go no matter what it was, the time that took it away and of course lord jagannath ( Krishna) he is complete mystique a psychologist and the most cleverest and intelligent of all the gods we have, whatever he does is for the good as i know of him.

And now its over i have to pursue for getting all this material identity again which will keep me busy for days to come and its test of my belief and spiritual consciousness and i cannot give all credits to Kanha ( krishna the jagannath)  for enlightening me on this i would give it more to Shiva the Supreme , peaceful, simple and an ascetic with ashes who let’s me be nor happy nor sad in every state. Even after losing all the materialistic things and material identity, i still believe in Shiva, and today its my first Sawan Somvaar Fast as the Fasting Sawan begins today on Poornima, from this day to next 4 Mondays will be somvaar sawan vrat.

And with this firm belief in my lord shiva i know ill be able to break this time as well into pieces and move out of the clutches of loss, which is actually a material loss that was never mine as it would have never gone along with me when i will die. It would only how something i gathered helped the other and thank the lord for he has given me enough potential to gather and give always.

Love For He’s Her

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तुम जी सकोगे कैसे, किसी को दुःख देकर ,

 

की तुम जी सकोगे कैसे, किसी को दुःख देकर

और मन में यह राज़ कैसे जीयोगे साथ लेकर

 

की ज़िन्दगी युही नहीं, बीत जाती है बिताने भर से,

अफ़साने छुप नहीं जाते, ज़माने से नज़रे चुरालेने में

 

अब तो गैरो की बाँहों में भी ले लेते होगे तुम पनहा

जला लेते होगे शाम ऐ महफ़िल में, अपनी कोई नयी शमा

 

अफ़सोस कुछ भी नहीं तेरे जीने के ढंग से मुझे

पर जलन है की, दर्द लेके भी, क्यूँ याद है तू मुझे

 

ज़िन्दगी में बस और कुछ नहीं चाहत तुझको लेकर

बस परवाह है उस शमा की जो होगी तेरी सेज पर

 

फिकर है उस ओज की जो बुझती होगी हर लम्हा

दुःख देकर जीए तू, क्यूँ होता नहीं खुद फ़ना

 

Separate those Emotions !

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Emotions are the significant part of our very being or existence, we are thought inhuman less of our emotions.

But are those emotions so important, to let them rule our life ?

Many a times we stop doing things we like to do the most,like listening, viewing, blogging, surfing and much more. why, we dont exactly want to do anything that might make us happy and why is it that we wish to be with the same state of emotions that makes us unhappy, moody, irritable, and depressed for a long time. 

we may do so because nothing around is much attractive or fun its all the same, monotony the routine, nothing unique about it that may influence us or distracts our emotional state. In such state of mind and moods we do not love to meet, talk or be with anyone nor do we wish that anyone should come to alleviate the pain but our inner desire is that someone comes around who can listen and empathize with us.

 Unfortunately people are great advisers than listeners today, and since we have learned the bitter truth since our own evolution we no longer crave for attention from others anymore. which is why we love to keep on dwelling with our pain . which is indeed a good thing where we introspect our own self with its, emotions, thoughts, mistakes, griefs, guilt, pain, stress, hate, love, etc.

The focus is to keep dwelling in pain, is the feeling where one does it quite patiently to realize that, let the pain happen, give it space to feel free and let it open, and then separate it from your own being to understand the reasons of it alone, its finding your pain, through your thoughts and not through your own being. If am in some stress today i must find the cause and see it as temporary , it can never be a part of me for the whole life . the whole is my being my entity which i separate form the pain i have today . 

This separation of emotions is the only thing that can let you live years of life in contentment and peace. You can practice separating them by being conscious of your self in thoughts, decisions, behavior in form of actions and also the surroundings where people and things may affect you. Every time you are taken over by your emotions just be alert and conscious about the thoughts that run into your mind and what it triggers you to do next. 

As soon we are aware and alert we can exercise control over our emotions. This control over the emotions can make our life better and full of peace . 

Attachment is Evil’s Desire

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Buddha’s 4 Noble Truths and 8 Fold path to Achieve and Adopt for Life..

Its a fight everyday, to sail through good and bad, is no easy task. One has to slip and slide in good times wishing that it remains constant and uninterrupted.

But to forget it as soon as the shadows of bad phase surface’s,  which puts on hold everything, you may think should stop or imagine has stopped, only to make you realize that now it will be a very long time and you cannot pass this that easily. Every minute seems an hour and every hour may go like a year when you happen to experience a bad phase of life and it may prolong for, hours, days and even some years.

What contributes to these feelings of good and bad phase happy or depressing is a much  deeper fact, where life is an unending journey of the human being who from conception to death has to suffer or struggle and manage it all in between, be it mentally or physically.

The cause of every bad and good in our life is because of one and only one reason that is ATTACHMENT. this attachment to any thing can stem from material or non material choices we make and even if it concerns to Human or any other creatures we feel attached to .It is therefore the core concern for the suffering that is brought unanimously during different stages of life.

The Need for attachment is in every sense fulfilling, realizing and relieves us from the sense of being alone and deprived of social connectivity. So in a way we are Dependent for our happiness, anger, love, pain, depression, death or life upon others , we just cannot refrain form this attachment the need to be dependent the need to have someone around us even if it makes us suffer or not.

This creates all the problem where a person can just not be attached with himself/herself and is constantly in need to belong to anyone anywhere. Our emotions are no longer controlled by us , rather we are tamed by the forces outside that recover whatever kind of response or reaction they want from us.

Beginning your day from getting up, even if you hadn’t slept the whole night, you make haste for work ignoring your peace ,you do the chores ignoring your health, you skip the meal ignoring your hunger, you reach on time ignoring your heart that runs fast and the list goes on where you ignore about “Your Self” a lot only to get along in the mad race to make others happy, to get that acceptance, and approval so much that this world runs everyday, to achieve those even at the cost of physical and mental well being.

As its known that death is a certainty and no one can overcome it, but still we run expecting that we will live to see what will happen ignoring the truth that our life is not our own, we have no control over it, so how can we let the others control what happens between life and death, it is the god who controls it so just surrender.

Its a pity to see people working all their life to collect more and more and one day their cord snaps away, the shroud doesn’t have any pockets wonder what will they take along with them. Nor you can take your property, your gold, nor money nor your loved ones , they dont die after you if you were to pass away or do they ? much rare it is.

The need is to see and feel that life is not to be wasted like this, it needs to be glorified by doing good karma and deeds that bring you peace and calm, a simple hour of meditation or feeding the poor kids can bring you a lot more peace of mind than sitting in the air conditioned room and watching the mountains through a glass window and not able to breathe fresh flowers or air. Its best to keep your control ie your remote with your self rather than giving it in the hands of all these . One must realize that their life is meant to be carried out all alone. As we tend to perceive good or bad through people, events or things we come in contact with, their attachment or detachment triggers the generation of certain emotions in us that we should learn to control and detach from.

On similar lines i recall the teachings of Mahatma Gautama Buddha who had attained this truth through enlightenment and presented the same as the four noble truths.:

The Four Noble Truths:

  • There is suffering and misery in life.
  • The cause of this suffering and misery is desire. ( Attachment as i see )
  • Suffering and misery can be removed by removing desire.
  • Desire can be removed by following the Eight Fold Path

 And that following the Noble Eightfold Path is the means to accomplish this.

  • right view
  • right intention
  • right speech
  • right action
  • right livelihood
  • right effort
  • right mindfulness
  • right concentration

The above mentioned teachings by Gautama Buddha if followed can create a harmony of the body, mind and soul. we have so much to look into to ascertain the real truth of life and the meaning of it, so that we all have a purposeful and peaceful medium to cherish our life as a whole rather accomplishing it in parts.

In our Upanishads, the Vedas,the Bhagwad Gita and many more, can lead us to self realization and attainment of enlightenment that would unleash us from the vicious cycle of life, from the fear of miseries,n attachment, unknown and death. There’s so much in this one life to know,that remains unexplored because we tend to run after a good package for a year that would suffice our lower order needs. And in the end after having done the normal routine work of your life that every other man or woman does, one shall die but there always would remain an urge in the next life or this life, as when shall we break free from this attachment and desires through Enlightenment.

Beyond Gender : Whole is more than sum of its Parts

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Single Entity GAURISHANKAR.

Since Childhood I’ve heard these words but could never unravel the facts or forces that goes around them. I’ve been quite naive in understanding the true meaning or the essentials about, what embodies the concept of feminism or masculinity or gender as a whole in true sense.

Though i frequently used to use such words in my essays and writings ,depicting and relating  to empowerment of the womenfolk at one hand and how brave and courageous are men in history.

But I was never able to gauge the real essence of these words, even after having almost vicarious experiences when the very significance of my being a women was in question and how i was being afflicted by the masculine beings, in all this i never realized how should i explore or should i explore the feminist in me ?, to get myself upright against the men.

The search began in the troubled waters, and still remained unidentified for some time,in the mean time i was actually away from all the problems and deplorable conditions, and that too without any feminism that came to rescue me.

I actually didn’t needed any gender role to help me nor any special femininity, i discovered that being a gender is being average but being a human is being the best to solve life and its issues in an objective and Superior way.

Being in control of one’s gender or sex controls the problem solving skills and limits our conscience for taking decisions in an unbiased manner is what i discovered eventually.

Its been only when i was able to think conscientiously about the other gender in specific and its nothing i keep against my own but its a way to differentiate between what is wrong and what is right, not who is wrong or who is right . it is completely off the base for any gender .

I’ve come across many textbooks during school time that our societal setup is governed by patriarchal or matriarchal structure in different, different communities or castes, influenced and maligned by favoritism and subjectivity, with regard to issues and concerns, dealing with gender roles and responsibilities. In the same way the Family, Relationships be it boyfriend and girlfriend, men and women, among friends, sisters and brothers, others, have this prominence of Domination by any of the gender controlling and occupying the major portions of decisions and role- responsibilities.

Here such setups and gender variance have influenced the peace and harmony of many relationships and almost created a divide among the two, due to inadvertent behavior .

The focus which i imply for this is to think yourself as  “NON GENDER”, i know this may sound weird and obnoxious but here may be, the key to bridge every difference and resolve issues when it comes to relationships and love.

 But we can try to achieve and attain good positive outcomes if we connect with the human side of our being and not the gender.what happens here i shall explain..

” when you have a fight say with your spouse , you may think about the verbal or non verbal behavior that affected you , and how one could demean your status , you being a man or women , got hit on your ego, your thoughts, your decisions, your ideas, your actions, here everything relates to your gender “first”- you may cry being a women, or man, or even burst out in anger being a man, or a women, the two cordially relates to the first gender being talked about , the second one if displayed such behavior would in normal settings be disapproved of ” .

So the thin line here is to Accept the behavior without the gender in concern, moreover its for both to consider the actions and deeds of others and self in a non gender specific way , and find more reasonable and logical occurrences for issues.

I cannot refrain myself from relating an Ideal relationship of Lord Shiva and Devi Parvati who are above any gender and complete forms of each other..

Shiva is called the Ardhnarishwar, that is half man 

and Devi parvati as Ardhangini .half women.

They are Incomplete without each other, their form is complete only when the two meet and join to form into one supreme part as  Gauri Shankar.

Every relationship should aim for such togetherness idealizing Shiv and Parvati who are above any gender norms and form

to sum up i can recall another very great statement that has affected me for long…                     that “the whole is more than the sum of its parts”. as stated by gestalts applies aptly here.